In more ways than one, the grass is never greener; you just get different grass types.

This is embarrassing, this state of affairs. Yet, since there is nothing to be done about it, there is this weird sense of calm. I can't fix it, try as I might. Moral failure, somewhat. Blame would naturally be on up-bringing or external influence(s). I ask you this though, how do you steer the mind of a self-possessed dreamer? A mix of an idealist and a realist, but a little unfortunately, a dreamer nonetheless.

Dream, dream, always dream. Dream about the good, dream about the bad, but don't wish for anything. Think about consequences, but don't be afraid of them. In my dreamy state, sadness is okay, happiness is okay, money is overrated, hurt is a negligent emotion, the world will take care of itself, we're all fine. Therefore, I'm fine. I've lost some faith, maybe I'm losing more, but I'm still dreaming, and I'm fine.

Okay this isn't exactly light and happy, but I quite love it, so it's here to stay. For now at least.

:)

My pay cheque clearance is a day overdue and that's cos the bank apparently did not receive it. I slipped it REALLY CAUTIOUSLY into the quick cheque deposit box and watched happily(such shortlived joy, tho) while gravity pulled it down. They better be giving that box a good clean-out as I speak cos if they don't find it, I'm gonna hunt their banking asses down cos there is no way I can borrow any more from my mom since, to date, I've borrowed SGD345976123879834720340124921, give or take.

Sigh.

ANYWAY. I'm having a snickers bar for lunch today. It's raining and I have 2 umbrellas at my disposal, but I'm just gonna have hot crappy vending machine coffee and munch on the chocolate yumminess that my stupid boy got me. Some sort of happy balance, maybe. It's become obvious over the years that no matter how much I try be smart with the way I hold the umbrella (y'know, depending on which way the wind's blowing), there's just no use.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. The bank just called saying my middle name's missing from the cheque, which explains why it wasn't cleared. Now I gotta wait for my HR person to get back to me before I know when I'll get @*$!# paid. This. Sucks. Supremely.

Could be worse. At least I'm getting paid. It's nice having a job.

Oh that reminds me! I should do some work now that lunch's over. Yay! *giggles and twirls away bimbotically*

P.S: I'm changing my blogskin over the weekend. Something lighter and happier.

I've missed having a blog add that sounds young & dumb. So, I'm COMING BACK!

:-D

I hereby swear to blog this weekend.

In the event that my promise is broken, this blog post shall serve as an official invitation to kick my patootie in a very violent manner.

Thank you, come again!

P.S: If any of you are interested in taking up a diploma/degree awarded by UoL, please let me know and I'll tell you all about it.

P.P.S: Only if you're really interested. Don't test my knowledge, I might fail.

P.P.P.S: Yeah but I definitely can help you still.

Wow, it's May already. Things have been alright so far this year. I feel young again (tho too young, sometimes) and it's quite safe to say, that despite still being in limbo (am still married. damn anullment is taking ages), I'm having the time of my life.

And I hope you are too. :-D

I'm trying my best not to talk about Checkered here. That's not because I'm trying to keep things hush, but cos I MUST NOT become a boyfriend bore by gushing and gushing about him. I know how sickening it can be, and I REFUSE to get to that nauseating level.

NAAAAAAAAH. I think about him so often, it's impossible for him to not somehow appear in my thought processes. It's like this:

"I like foolscap paper. It's often clean and smooth. It used to be a joy writing compositions on them in secondary school. I miss my stupid boy. I didn't really like going to school. Must talk to MDIS about ending the deferrment. And after that, I wanna see my stupid boy. I wanna kiss him I wanna smell him I want I want I want."

Yep. Yep, I'm disgusting. Ah well. Makes sense, I'm in love. :)

I worry for us, I really do. The world is going to hell in a handbasket.

When we have kids, we have to be good parents, which at this point of time I personally think would translate to being smart, kind, and protective, but not to the point of being anal. Cos we don't want them to rebel and run away and die somewhere. More like...watching over our kids. Like Buffy's Watcher, Giles. Yah, and we got to let our kids be trained in self-defence/ass-kicking arts.

And we shld never leave our children alone with other men, even if it's your brother or something. God...such a sad state of affairs.

I should stop panicking stupidly and get back to work.

Oh my god.

I moved my swivel chair back a little and I swear it said 'Dhanyaaa'. And it sounded like the voice of a middle-aged chinese man. Honest.

By the way, this's my 666th post. I shall wear dark and sinister panties tonight after my jog with the mina cousin. Or, I'll put it on before I leave the house. Mmm. Decisions, decisions.

I'm going to make my own kite! And that's cos I'm too cheap to spend twenty dollars on one, AND cos (due to my abundant stock of creative juices) I've been itching to make something pretty + functional. So I'll be making a hopefully gorgeous kite tomorrow night, after watching Clash of The Titans with Checkered, and Saturday morning will be spent flying it with Hillbilly and SkinnyNadhen. Yay!

My swivelling seat is kiiiinda creeping me out.

The long weekend; it's finally here! I really shouldn't be blogging now cos I've not brushed my teeth, let alone showered, and I'm to see Kay in an hour and 4 minutes at city hall. We're going to Asian Civilisations Museum for this exhibition on the moghul empire, which I know nuts about. But ask me again in a few hours and I'll be much better informed! Probably.

And I'm really really really looking forward to tmr. The whole day is to be spent with Mr.C and I can't imagine a better way to spend a saturday. Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I've become a wee bit disgusting, I know. Everytime I think these corny thoughts, I go 'YUCK. Get a grip, dammit!' too.

Curly Kay beckons. Toodles!

Last night, I was out with 2 girls I've missed quite a bit; Hillbilly & SkinnyNadhen. They don't need pseudonyms (actually nobody here needs pseudonyms anymore cos omg, you can actually see a pic of my lover and me with a sunflower if you scrolled down really rapidly!) but these names are so fun to use! Anyway, it was good, sitting around and dragging guava-melon-mint-flavoured shisha and talking about many stupid things and interesting things and bitchy things(we all hate the admin manager at our old workplace. we secrectly refer to her as 'dot dot dot dot' on FB).

Do you think I shld stop using brackets? It's become an addiction.

By the way, you don't really have to read this. I'm somewhat practising documenting my honest feelings...or something like that. So if you feel like all this talk's getting really old, just stop mid-post, okay? That is, if you've not stopped by now. :)

As I was saying, we were talking. Obviously, I'm planning to introduce a certain topic over here, and that would be the ever-(un)exciting topic of my love life. The usual...shld have been single for a while before committing to Checkered. Yeah I see the logic in that. I mean...having 'belonged' to someone since the age of 15 (2yrs with ex-ex, a week later, 5yrs with ex-husband and now, Mr. C), I never seriously gave myself a break, which, by personal experience, might lead to straying...even if you love your 'partner' a whole lot. Honestly, I think the difference is in whether you treasure your relationship or don't. Or whether you're sure that he/she wants you for more than...physical and momentary pleasures.

Before I realised I should trust Checkered, there was a little bit of a grey period. It showed in my earlier blog posts; my unsureness, my trust, my unsureness again; my bouts of all things scary, relationship-wise. To tell the truth, after my initial elation that he and I have a shot at being together, I wanted to be single for a while; entirely free of any kind of commitment, be it serious or fling-like. I didn't want to do the whole 'he likes me, he likes me not' thing. Okay, I've never had to go through that, but I hear it sucks. I didn't want to stay up all night hoping I'm just a way of escape from boredom, I didn't want to feel guilty about thinking that way, didn't want to have answer to anybody, didn't want to give a damn about what I say to other men that might be misconstrued, I didn't want any such sticky shit. BUT, I fell in love. And I couldn't help but want him to want to keep me.

God. It's so funny how I never thought of such things when we were plain friends! I thought he was fantastic company...comfy to be with and full of dumb-assed things to say, shameless with mischief that's comparable to a small boy's. And a good heart. Yeah I did think we'd make a good match character&looks-wise, but that's it. Just the slightest bit of wondering, especially since he used to text me nonsense every night, while I happily texted nonsense back, and the late night phone conversations which sometimes resulted in both of us taking medical leave due to fatigue. This is where I thought he was gonna be my very first male best friend. Yeah, me and my collection of best friends, right? Haha.

Sooooo yep, it came to a point after we sort of got together where I felt that I shld make a choice; to ask for some time by myself, or to not. I actually thought I should...told myself I will, but I cldn't bring myself to. I think of his face, his smile, the way he makes me feel, the way I make him feel, how much I'd miss him. See, of all the people to leave, the guy you're mad about shldn't be one of them. By right lah. Haha. If I do it now, what guarantee will he have that I won't do it again? Oh, this leads me to the other reason that I eventually decided not to ask for a breather. My checkered-short-ed boy does not believe in gettin back with a girl who has initiated a break up with him before. Notice I didn't say he doesn't believe in getting back with exes, and that's cos he actually might give it a thought, as long as he was the separation-initiator. Everyone has their own personal set of rules or guidelines to keep their sanity/ego/etc intact, but this particular one is something I wasn't comfy imagining myself mulling miserably over, even if I had asked for some time alone, promising to be back (now, come to think of it, I cannot imagine having undergone a 'break'. sounds ridiculous). I decided to throw caution (plus a few Oreo wrappers. I miss you, Ragani) to the wind and kinda surrender myself to us, and fate, I suppose.

I really do over-display brackets (and semi-related thoughts).

You never know what's gonna be the best thing that's happened to you till you release your inhibitions, right? I know I'm not losing out on anything. :)

My week's booked! This only happens once a month, usually. Oh, today's payday, not tmr. That's fiiiiine by me!

Today: Checkered time, interrupted by, hopefully, the purchase of slippers/sandals and headbands. I don't like my bangs. -.-
Tuesday: Checkered time again. Waffles at Gelare. Yay!
Wednesday: Hillbilly & SkinnyNadhen. Shisha!
Thursday: Checkered time, AGAIN. Weeeee!
Friday(public holiday!): Asian Civilisations Museum with Kay, Checkered, and his sister (Ms.Bai), followed by shisha in the evening with my mina cousin & her male friend.
Saturday: Not confirmed at the mo. More Checkered time, probably. :)
Sunday: Family day!

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Monday: Back to work. Ah well.

I feel a little heavier than usual, but the weighing scale says I'm 51kg, which actually means I lost two kilograms. While this is no reason for any real concern, I'm disappointed at the thought of possibly further shrunken boobs. BUT, I don't see the difference visually, so I shall just chuck that thought into the vanity closet for now.

Wow, what a self-obsessed bimbo.

Honestly tho, I don't give a damn about my weight anymore. Mmm...never really did...I've always cared more about the overall package and shape more than factual and trustworthy(?) measurements. Weighing yourself is exciting only when done once in a blue moon. Unless you really wanna know how much the shit you release everyday weighs, there's really not much use in it. In fact, if you're trying to lose weight, daily weighing will only dampen your spirits, I think, since such targets can't possibly be achieved overnight.

For me, as long as I can fit comfortably into my jeans, I'm fine. And as long as my arms don't vibrate forever when I wave. I HAVE been feeling them vibrating a little close to an eternity lately, actually. Ah, time to think about having gym sessions. Thank god I don't have tummy flab problems. Now THAT, will drive me a little mad.

Again, I know you don't care.

My boss is taking ages to appear at the office today, and tho I CAN be occupied with outstanding issues that I got to settle, I chose to blog instead. And now I shld stop. Cos this doesn't pay.

Toodles. :)

Due to budget reasons, I just had my last stick for the week. Next time I smoke will be Wednesday, and that'll be shisha with Miss Hillbilly.

Shit, I'm a little high from my smoke. It was a Marlboro light. This is unnatural.

Maybe I'll just do shisha from now on. Mmmm.

I know you probably don't care.

Oh, payday's Tuesday. I'm gonna get new lingerie. YAY!

I normally don't bring up the whole best friend thing with the ppl I'm close to, cos I'm never bothered with labels (different matter with guys tho, cos everyone will wanna know who that guy they see me around with is, and I wldn't wanna have to think for 10 seconds before answering). And when the whole best friend matter gets brought up, that's when I realise that shit, she IS one of my best friends! And then we become best friends. Like Muthu; she announced in primary 3 that we're best friends and I loved her the most, so I was happy with it. Ragani mentioned something best buddy-related and she's the best thing that happened to me in secondary school, and so I knew she was mine. ;) With twinnie, it was a little different tho. It was somehow a mutual understanding, I think. A twinnie thing. :)

And now, Ramkumar Kabetha Bai! I took the first step, in this case. I called her at work just a while ago, and informed her that I've come to realise that she's actually one of my best friends. And after that came assurance that I'm not high, nor extremely bored.

See, I was at the smoking point this morning (the most interesting thought processes happen there) when I, by some getting-together of facts and factors, decided that HEY, I love this girl and she loves me too! So I made a mental note to let her know. And I have. So yay!

And she said she's not a best friend-ish person but feels warm and fuzzy inside, and when asked if she feels like a Nair, replied affirmatively cos apparently, she feels hairier.

I shall celebrate by having mashed potatoes and biscuits with Checkered later (in less than an hour, yay!). Or maybe a dragon fruit.

:-D

They call me D at work. The warehouse man calls me Lady D. Wahahha.

My father calls me Nannuma.

Nephew 1 calls me Bakkamma.

Nephew 2 calls me Ammaiya.

My twinnie calls me Twinnie. <3

Checkered calls me baby/idiot/fool/kombi/etc etc. :) And I call him sweetie pie/baby darlin/idiot/fool/stupid fellow/komban/shioku sundharan/etc etc. :)))

Yes, you can visit the loo now for a little hurl.

You think about how people (or I) behave in different relationships and it's a little...unsettling. Okay, unsettling is the wrong word to use. Guilt-inducing, maybe? Ah, maybe this applies only to some.

There are many things I'm willing to do for Checkered that I wasn't very willing to do for the ex. They may be petty little things, but petty little things are the ones that nag at you, I think. Mmm.

Anyway, Checkered and I aren't a secret anymore. Absolutely everyone who knows us both shld know, unless they're blind/deaf/dumb/ or couldn't care less. Oh and I heard that the ex knows I'm with someone else. I hope he's fine.

I'm not assuming that he's not over me and whatshitnot, it's just that what I gave him was a big blow, and I know it can't be easy to trust again. If I were him, I'd have issues, man. Well he did have issues in the first place, which was part of the reason I felt I shld encourage myself to marry him and let those issues rest, which kinda backfired cos eventually, I got those issues super active and ofcos, larger. Sigh...and to think I spent 4 years coaxing him out of his insecurities, being his best friend, letting myself be included in so many parts of his life, only for it all to go to waste. I shan't include the 5th year, cos that's when I went bad, so to speak. Haha.

Ah, old stuff.

So yes, Checkered(I still wanna call him that cos it's so fun to!) and I aren't a secret anymore. This feels good. And I've promised myself (and him, silently) that I'll be better. And that there'll be no bad 5th year or any year, for that matter.

And now I shall cross my fingers.

*crosses fingers. and toes*

Oh, few days ago, I had a bimbo moment. I was at the smoking point, staring out the window and acting all emo when I felt something hard on one of the fingers on my left hand. I was like wtf was that?! And a second later, I realised I was poking myself with my nail. From a left-hand finger too.

I like my job. It's a little crazy at the start when takin over somebody's coordination job, but it's nothing that can't be handled, ofcos.

Nowadays, I tell my mom (sometimes) when I'm meeting Checkered. She doesn't jump for joy, but I don't get sent looks of disgust and/or disbelief, which is most definitely a start. My father doesn't talk to me about anything of major importance, which I'm fine with. I don't want to...witness his worry. Or something like that.

Do you wonder how you're gonna cope with the loss of your parents? Bloody shittifyingly scary isn't it? Baaaaah.

I should finish up some invoicing.

This was yesterday. That sunflower's from me! Blood, sweat, tears + a sunflower. Haha.



This one, I love. :) So incredibly much.

I got ciggies and ginger tea for less than SGD10 this afternoon. I love my workplace. Who cares that the cheap ciggie-selling mama shop is littered with wolf-whistling idiots? I just want my tea.

Yeah I know I shld stop smoking. And I will, one day. Let me willingly motivate myself.

Ladidadida.

I had thosai and chicken curry for dinner. Oh and idli! 1 thosai, 1 idli, and some unmeasured amount of chicken curry. Yummyummyumm. Oh, and I had fish crackers with Checkered earlier. Yep, and 2 slices of nutella and bread for lunch. And a mommy-made cup of milo for breakfast.

So now you know of all that I've consumed today, besides unrecorded sips of water. Oh and a cold mug of milo now. Are you wondering which one's cold? As in the mug or beverage? Are you wondering like this?;

'Mmmm. I wonder which one's cold. Mmmmmmm. Lalala. La-oh wait. Are they both cold? Mmmm. Mmmmmmmmmm.'

Yep, they're both cold.

I never thought I'd say this at this...enthralling point of time in my life, but shit, I'm a kinda unexcited. A little bored, even. You can see.

Ah, I wish I cld be with Checkered all the time. He excites me. HEHEHE.

:-D

I got a job!

Today was my first day. Pretty okay, actually. Almost everyone I was introduced to giggled a little. I'm one hundred percent sure it wasn't at my hair, cos today was an exceptionally good hair day. Maybe it was cos I'm the first female to be employed in that position, or I'm quite young in comparison to the guy I'm taking over, or cos I'm the only girl in the department and as a result, I'm surrounded by men, men, and more men. At the risk of sounding like a slut, I don't mind. I find that men are generally easier to get along with anyway.

The day before my first day of work (yesterday, duh) I was out reaping the benefits of being a lady on a wednesday night at OBar (yeah, yet again) with 2 girl friends and I downed 5 vodka redbulls, 3 tequila shots and 4 bombay slings, more or less. I got high enough to tell absolutely everyone who so much as glanced at me that we're high and to circle 7Eleven's aisles a couple of times claiming I gotta have a Twiggie (they didn't have any :-/) before settling for a hot dog cos it got stuffed into my mouth by a gf who thought I shld really have a hot dog.

I showed up 10 min early for work tho. YAY! And the day was good. Had slightly violent internal struggles to stay awake about twice when I was being bored to death by some little details, but managed to ask quite smart-assed questions, in the hope that it gets assumed that I need to have a glazed-over look in my tearing eyes to absorb info effectively.

Ah, I need sleep. Good night.

So the problem here is that there's a never-ending supply of crap and sarcasm and temper. Yes, I, the generally super mild-mannered product of equally mild-mannered parents, have a temper. And being typically Saggitarian, the temper surfaces when external forces (external being anyone but me, ofcos) make attempts at controlling movements/freedom/something like that or when smothered while being overprotected.

Ah, I'm starting to sound like how I did when I started this blog some 7 years ago. OMG, 7 YEARS. WTF, WHERE DID THOSE YEARS GO? Oh. Digression over. Yes, as I was saying. It's like being a teenager again, and at my 24th year of consciousness (well, mostly), it's kinda unfunny. Not to mention uncomfy. There's this feeling of vague...insignificance. Okay, I don't need anything to prove how much my existence is worth and all that shit cos I know how much I am loved and that love I give is appreciated and wanted even, and if I were to disappear there'd be many broken hearts and blah blah blah plus blah. On the other hand, I'm not considering the part where if I were entirely non-existent, noone'd give a damn cos honestly, if I weren't here, I wldn't give a damn either, and neither do I want to speculate on the fact that I'm terribly un-established for someone my age (tho I really shld...but since I'm kinda working on that, that little factor shall slide for the mo). And here's where you probably wonder wtf I'm driving at.

Beats me. I'm tryin to figure that out myself.

Actually. The feeling of insignificance I mentioned I was 'suffering' from probably comes from my...being a teenager again. In love with a boy whom my family is convinced is bad news, having phone curfews (YES, phone curfew. I didn't know what that even meant till a few months ago), being watched day and night to make sure I don't...I dunno, go get myself pregnant, maybe. I can't blame my family for being protective and apprehensive about my choices, considerin the past/present but I sure can blame them fully for being over-protective and over-apprehensive and downright stifling. I know I should be more understanding but shit lah, I can't do that. Cos the tension's here, and I can feel it in every bone sometimes, and when I do, I really don't give a damn who loves me enough to wanna keep me safe cos all I wanna do is just go away. Which is when I remember that to get lost wld be the cowardly way of dealing with family, and so, I sit down and force my tears out. Having a little cry does make you feel at least a little better, you know.

All this was my doing, to tell you the truth. My decisions aren't the smartest sometimes; that much's been made obvious to pretty much everyone who knows me now. And my family knows this the best. Haha. What they fail to realise though, is that since I fucked up a few ppl's 2009 and one person's trust and dreams and blah, I must have realised the weight my actions and decisions carry, and that hereon, will choose my paths carefully. BUT NO. I'm still the bloody thick-skinned bimbo who's got no bloody clue as to what she wants cos HEY, she's made a mistake before, so she's gonna fuck it up again, WEEEEE!

I AM a bit stupid, I know. But I'm smart enough to not self-destruct. I'm ready to be called idealistic or accused of being too quick to decide, cos I honestly believe Checkered and I will last. This feels different in a way that only I will know how. I mean, shit, I shld bloody know, considering. If Checkered and I don't end up together, I swear karma's to blame. Ah, touchwood. And bah, this isn't even really about Checkered and I. It's about ME.

Have some faith in me, dammit.

Screw it lah. No point ranting. Weird how that's coming after a big bout of word-diarrhoea. Well...not much I can do about it for now, so yeah, no use. Now it's just up to us to deal with it. And to me to show that I've grown up a little.

So wish me luck.

My Ragani visited my blog recently! Weeeeeeeeeee. I is still waiting for your caaaaa-aaaaall. *makes an irritating sing-song voice* Oh, but take your time darlin, I've only got a whole lot of nothing to do. *smooches*

Wow. I really need a job. Not just cos my cash possession's at minus value (tho that really shld be the most weighty reason), but also cos I can't stand being home. Got a couple of reasons for it, but I've no time to elaborate, and probably shldn't anyway.

Ah well. Got to go.