You think about how people (or I) behave in different relationships and it's a little...unsettling. Okay, unsettling is the wrong word to use. Guilt-inducing, maybe? Ah, maybe this applies only to some.

There are many things I'm willing to do for Checkered that I wasn't very willing to do for the ex. They may be petty little things, but petty little things are the ones that nag at you, I think. Mmm.

Anyway, Checkered and I aren't a secret anymore. Absolutely everyone who knows us both shld know, unless they're blind/deaf/dumb/ or couldn't care less. Oh and I heard that the ex knows I'm with someone else. I hope he's fine.

I'm not assuming that he's not over me and whatshitnot, it's just that what I gave him was a big blow, and I know it can't be easy to trust again. If I were him, I'd have issues, man. Well he did have issues in the first place, which was part of the reason I felt I shld encourage myself to marry him and let those issues rest, which kinda backfired cos eventually, I got those issues super active and ofcos, larger. Sigh...and to think I spent 4 years coaxing him out of his insecurities, being his best friend, letting myself be included in so many parts of his life, only for it all to go to waste. I shan't include the 5th year, cos that's when I went bad, so to speak. Haha.

Ah, old stuff.

So yes, Checkered(I still wanna call him that cos it's so fun to!) and I aren't a secret anymore. This feels good. And I've promised myself (and him, silently) that I'll be better. And that there'll be no bad 5th year or any year, for that matter.

And now I shall cross my fingers.

*crosses fingers. and toes*

Oh, few days ago, I had a bimbo moment. I was at the smoking point, staring out the window and acting all emo when I felt something hard on one of the fingers on my left hand. I was like wtf was that?! And a second later, I realised I was poking myself with my nail. From a left-hand finger too.

I like my job. It's a little crazy at the start when takin over somebody's coordination job, but it's nothing that can't be handled, ofcos.

Nowadays, I tell my mom (sometimes) when I'm meeting Checkered. She doesn't jump for joy, but I don't get sent looks of disgust and/or disbelief, which is most definitely a start. My father doesn't talk to me about anything of major importance, which I'm fine with. I don't want to...witness his worry. Or something like that.

Do you wonder how you're gonna cope with the loss of your parents? Bloody shittifyingly scary isn't it? Baaaaah.

I should finish up some invoicing.