Remember that blog space I used when I just got together with the bf, who was then referred to as checkered shorts? I've now merged posts from then, and my pre-Venga entries (dating back to 2003, I think) with this space. He's not very interested in my blog so I don't have to hide posts on my past relationships for his comfort. Haha.

Sigh. Laughing to myself again.

Scumbag blogger posted my draft. The post before this had initially been a shorter entry, which I'd tried to publish, but either my internet connection or blogger's server was faulty, so publishing failed. I then decided to lengthen the post a bit and saved it as a draft, and it somehow got posted. Even checked my blog right after signing out to make sure it wasn't published! Few days later, I come back and see it on display, embarrassing typoes and bad pic alignment shining in full glory. Ah well. Thank god I get almost no traffic.

I shan't use direct pic uploads anymore. So messy and difficult to work with, like Microsoft Word! Except Word is still better, since you can send images to the background so that you don't struggle with your text alignment like a rhino trying to fix a watch.

OKAY ENOUGH COMPLAINING, DHANYA.

Just had lunch. Nothing makes me consume more rice than sambar does. It's lethal, I tell you. Any previous efforts towards toning up/weight loss go out the window. Nevermind. I shall do at least 80 sit-ups today. And follow the arm-toning methods recommended by a cute black girl on youtube.

---   emo-talk alert.   ----

I'm a lot happier these days. A lot, a lot. Feel so much more at peace.

We're always told that our happiness is our choice, and that what you can't help, you gotta let go of. And it's always, always easier said than done. Which is why I'm glad to realise that I've done it! Now it's not really a cause for celebration, or even for that exclamation mark I used, but it's improved my state of mind quite tremendously.

I was never the sort of girlfriend to insist that my boyfriend kept me updated on where he is, whom he's with and what he's doing. I normally just get the info readily volunteered to me, or I ask him what he's up to, in the way of conversation. There's never a burning need to keep in constant contact with him, be it a long distance relationship or not. BUT, recently, I went over to the dark side a little.

Just last week or the week before, the bf was really busy with his assignments and stuff. Being busy is understandable, but what I couldn't understand was the part where there wasn't enough time to talk to me for days. I'm a firm believer of the view of that in a day that consists of 1440 minutes, one cannot be too busy for a 10 minute phone call. Unless you're unavailable, which is an entirely different matter; you're stuck in an island, stuck in a hostage situation, stuck in some other movie idea, or stuck in labour. That, I'd be stupid to bitch about. Anyway yep, I was trying to feel okay about it but was failing miserably and crying; crying cos I wasn't important enough, crying at the thought of him talking and joking with ppl around him but not with me, and cos I missed him. Also, I've some existing issues with regards to us, which made it worse. Then I did that post here on tips for myself to survive a LDR (2 or 3 entries ago) and went to bed feeling a bit better. The next day, I felt even better and now, I feel pretty good.

If a person who genuinely loves me says he's too busy and tired, I have to respect that and let it be. This is the guy who's been in love with me the past few years, and will be marrying me next year. I have to be accepting of such things, otherwise I'll feel hurt, which'll hurt the relationship, which's the last thing we both need, living so far apart to begin with. We've hurt each other lots before, and have made each other feel negligible, but we're still together after managing to talk some stuff out. I'll just keep that in mind, regard this as a non-issue, and be happy with all the time I have for myself, which I'm using these days to read a good book, talk to my mom, father, sisters and friends, make a pot of tea and watch tv, play with my nephews, and blog. I let the bf contact me when he's free, so that I don't keep checking whatsapp to see if I missed the alert for his reply, and to check when he was last online so that I can try imagine what's keeping him from responding to me. That's exactly the sorta girlfriend I never wanted to be.

He's noticed the change and he didn't sound too happy about it. I told him that not initiating contact is how I cope, and he understands. I think. This is temporary anyway. Marriage'll fix this.

And now, time for that pot of tea. :)

Nikus finally uploaded pics from weeks back, when we gathered at the airport to say byebye to Loga. Been years since I did a post full of pictures, so here's one!

(This is for my future self, mainly. In case I undergo depression later and am looking for reasons to live.)

Clockwise; Raja (my brudder from anudder mudder), me, Loga (Nan's buffalo), Nikita (Nikus) and Nandita (Nan/ Nandos/ Nanio/ Little Punjabi Thing) 

Us and some of Loga's very young friends. We were all drinking by the beach a few days before, and man, I felt old.

My little punjabi and I at a friend's house on a Friday, early February. This was the night we went to Attica and kept attempting to dance but pulled off only on-the-spot vibration cos it was so, so packed. Too packed, like the trains in the mornings, as observed by my friend.

At the very start of the year, right when the fireworks stopped. Siiigh...my stupid boy.

Mandatory loo shot.

Halloween 2012! That's Linges, my 2nd brother-in-law's brother's wife's brother. *takes a deep breath* 

In the train, where we got lots and lots of stares. 

And Raja got the most stares! Surely it's obvious why.

We had a truly epic bbq about three quarters into 2012. So many things happened that night, and some ppl's lives were never the same again. Hahah sounds like nonsense I know, but it's true!Okay, time to stop. Lunch awaits.

My god, I hate how this blog looks! It looks even worse on a mobile screen.

 

See what I mean? Okay it doesn't look terrible, but it certainly does not look like something I'd pick out for myself. Trouble is, the programming that supports lots of the newer features isn't the simple html stuff that I'm accustomed to, and the codes now look like scatters of bird feed. Ah well, I'll try work on it. I feel like an old person grumbling about new developments and I think such behavioural inclinations within one's self should be discouraged.

I applied for an digital copywriting internship at a site that sells deals, and I guess I passed the writing & proof-reading tests, cos I've been asked to start mid-April. SO SEXCITED, OMG. I know it's just an internship during which I'll be paid a few bags of peanuts, and it's only gonna be short pieces on products, but this will be the absolute first time that I will be doing something that I have enjoyed since I was in primary school, professionally. I've always had writing as a hobby cos it comes naturally to me. I don't think I'm very good, tho. I used to be so much better, and I don't think even that standard could be considered very good. But I still like doing it, just like how lousy singers sing at the top of their voices. Comforting and happy-making habits.

There's a big minus point to this internship, sadly. The ppl who have interned here so far were students gaining experience, before continuing with their studies, and I'm the first intern to have had a decade's worth of working experience in totally unrelated fields, now looking for a major change in job scope. There isn't a clear progress ladder that I can have my hopes on, so all I can do is pray that the company's plans to expand go through soon enough so that I can try land a permanent job here. Can't be interning for too long, I've plans to study and a wedding to pay for.

They say that achieving what you want depends on your thoughts and mindset. Hardwork and opportunity is important, but there's also what you put out to the universe. What the universe gives back is what you want for yourself. Apparently. Laws of attraction.

Okay universe, I want to win the lottery this week. Five grand will do, just to pay off some bills and to keep me going through the internship. And I want this internship to go so well, they create a permanent position for me, expansion or not. I want to be the expansion. Also, please take away some of my arm jiggles. Thank you. :)

I've been meaning to stay clear from emotional posts, honestly. But the heart feels what it feels, sooo yeah. Sigh.

In a better mood today! Been having the runs all through last Monday to yesterday morning, and to have my ass finally free from torture feels like I've been touched by very kind fairies. And I had proper tea earlier today, milk and all. Life does not get much better than when you can afford to have good tea.

Mmm. I can't actually afford tea, in a sense. I'm flat broke. Broke in uppercasing. Am waiting to receive payment for half month's work I did in February. Yes, you read that right, I'm awaiting remuneration that's 3 weeks late. I really do join the best organisations, huh? I cannot tell you how glad I am for having left that place. Honestly, WORST WORKPLACE TO DATE, and I hope it stays that way cos I do not want an even worse experience to compete with the last one. First time I got sick due to work stress. I normally take stress well, and my colleagues usually marvel at my ability to stay calm through rage/breakdown-inducing situations. I possess an intrinsic ability to take shit, and that too, sometimes, with a small smile. But this place! Ohhhhh this place, it took all the 3, 4 & 5 tiered cakes. 

It's best described as an ill-constructed circus, where I was the mouse that's assigned to sweeping up elephant shit. An elephant took a big dump on me, decided it was a pretty fun thing to do, and made it a point to relieve itself on me every day. I then voiced out my displeasure, afterwhich I was assigned to collecting horse dung. I was quite a happy mouse, since a horse, being smaller, lets out less than an elephant does. My happiness was short-lived tho, cos that bastard of an elephant was still giving me shit showers, and there was nothing anyone could do about it, me included. So I left. That's the story. The animals don't directly represent a person, by the way. They're duties, or work burdens.

Anyway, that's over. And for the first time, my family's happy about my having quit a job. Been home a few days more than a month, cos I'm taking my time job-hunting. Sick of job-switching.

I just checked my page stats via blogger, and there was a traffic source that stood out. I got a hit from a google search on 'mid flight wank'. Someone was looking to join the mile-high club with some self-help, I see. I shall keep that notion in mind for consideration when I fly next, which'll probably be in September. Oh, mile-high wank guy/girl, if you're miraculously back here due to bad judgement, HELLO!

Urgh, must get a good job soon. Otherwise, my plans to visit the bf will have to be pushed, or worse, cancelled. Not getting 2 months' worth of pay is no joke to someone who has exactly one peanut, in the way of savings.

Only 0057hours and everybody's asleep. This is a very rare phenomenon. I guess the nap I had in the evening's keeping me up. My eyes feel so fresh! One of the few joys of being unemployed, before weeks roll by and you get more and more alarmed at the total number of days've gone without you being paid.

Wish me extraordinarily fantastic luck, pls.

Tips for self on surviving the shithole that is a long distance relationship

- develop an imaginary friend to whisper crazy things to. but if imaginary friend's like Drop Dead Fred, go to bed immediately and pray fiercely
- don't be surprised by gradual behavioural changes, on your side included
- don't feel ashamed to cry in your own presence. btr than crying in a bus
- at the same time, try not to make too much eye contact with yourself in the mirror right after a few tears cos you'll look disgusting
- don't expect to remain a priority. it's not the end of the world if you're not
- choices are naturally decisions made according to circumstances. you're not part of a great deal of your partner's circumstances anymore, so get used to it
- in fact, nothing is the same anymore, so get used to that too
- try to rmbr that you're not alone, although it feels like you are
- try to rmbr why exactly you're not alone
- keep trying to rmbr, and once you get it, write it down
- write plenty of things down. be busy
- cook, bake, run, jump, dance
- try new things, use your mind
- use your mind for everything but your relationship
- live your life
- be fine.

still longing for more.