Mashed pumpkin, carrots and snow peas. Have been working out a little lately, so figured I might as well have a disgustingly healthy lunch tomorrow, to go with the new health-friendly theme, sorta. This beats a leafy salad hands down, if you ask me.

I've been so so busy, and have had not much time for myself. That's not really a complaint, since I'm occupied with my favourite people, generally. On a slightly contradictory note, I hate whatsapp. Or any other application that allows you to see if your message has been read by the recipient, and at what time too. Bet the developers had frustrated girlfriends/boyfriends/nosy friends/stalkers in mind when they came up with that feature. Bloody geniuses.

It's already Monday, and I'm not dreading work. I like my boss. Yes, it does seem that miracles, in fact, do happen!

Oh oh, dental appointment tomorrow! The last time I had my mouth checked was when I was 10. Almost 17 years not giving a damn about my oral health, and I'm now all interested in it cos my check-up will be covered by my firm's insurance. What a cheapo, right?

That feeling when you are high and you tell everyone that you are, especially everyone that shouldn't know.

Lately I've been having trouble telling the difference between being self-absorbed and being genuinely concerned about my well-being. Where does the line get drawn? It'd be nice to know for sure. Being fickle about this isn't fun.

I've come to a point where I am wondering if I should leave it to fate, or actively try wade through muck. But really, should I be thinking about this at all?

I just saw a post on facebook on children whose bodies are fed drugs or alcohol so that they are always asleep while some strangers carry them around and beg ppl for money. Horrible, yet not unbelievable.  It takes a special brand of evil to carry out such acts, karma in action or not. How is something like this justified?

Such things really put my problems into perspective. There are mothers out there whose kids are missing, whose kids are being sold for sex, or are dead after their innocence and bodies have been exploited. There are fathers whose kids they cannot dream of seeing again. Parents who sell their children for money. Children being kidnapped for ransom, and eventually killed. Young people growing up to think that life is only to be endured, and nothing else. And me, a grown woman, mulling over my worries which 'trivial' doesn't even begin to describe, in comparison. A grown woman with a job, a house to live in, a good family, and a fully-functional body, and an internet connection. Wtf, right?

So I'll appreciate my blessings. Let go of worries, one by one. Distance myself from negativity.

Can't be difficult. 

accidental love and train crashes.

I think I'm gone.

In the train now, seated right opposite a couple that my ex and I knew. Level of awkwardness has hit the skies. I actually gave this woman my brownie recipe, and got medical insurance from her. And now I'm invisible. Sigh.

Isn't it odd how things work? I never did her any harm. And it's not like she was my ex's best friend. Heck, one of my ex's best friends and I are still on wonderful terms. And here's this lady, acting like I killed her cat.

How is it that you make enemies while you right your life? My ex obviously didn't/doesn't appreciate the break up, but I saved him a lot of unhappiness, tho he can't thank me for it since I was pretty stupid before. I had the misfortune of being the first one to know we wouldn't work out, that's all.

Ah well. Life.

Found a job! If you had wished me lots of luck like I asked you to, thank you. Please leave your name. I'll light a candle for you, and buy a pack of tissue in your name from the tissue aunty at the train station.

I'll be a legal secretary for the first time. Am pretty excited, in a happy, yet nervous way. My wardrobe might be a problem, though. I don't have much serious-looking office clothes. Hopefully, the dressing culture at this law firm is pretty relaxed. I've seen firms where their staff wear jeans. *crosses fingers*

Now, got to pick out my outfit for tomorrow and gauge the level of serious hurt my heels might do to my feet. Will be going to sleep with milk-soaked paper towels on my eyes!

Remember that blog space I used when I just got together with the bf, who was then referred to as checkered shorts? I've now merged posts from then, and my pre-Venga entries (dating back to 2003, I think) with this space. He's not very interested in my blog so I don't have to hide posts on my past relationships for his comfort. Haha.

Sigh. Laughing to myself again.

Scumbag blogger posted my draft. The post before this had initially been a shorter entry, which I'd tried to publish, but either my internet connection or blogger's server was faulty, so publishing failed. I then decided to lengthen the post a bit and saved it as a draft, and it somehow got posted. Even checked my blog right after signing out to make sure it wasn't published! Few days later, I come back and see it on display, embarrassing typoes and bad pic alignment shining in full glory. Ah well. Thank god I get almost no traffic.

I shan't use direct pic uploads anymore. So messy and difficult to work with, like Microsoft Word! Except Word is still better, since you can send images to the background so that you don't struggle with your text alignment like a rhino trying to fix a watch.

OKAY ENOUGH COMPLAINING, DHANYA.

Just had lunch. Nothing makes me consume more rice than sambar does. It's lethal, I tell you. Any previous efforts towards toning up/weight loss go out the window. Nevermind. I shall do at least 80 sit-ups today. And follow the arm-toning methods recommended by a cute black girl on youtube.

---   emo-talk alert.   ----

I'm a lot happier these days. A lot, a lot. Feel so much more at peace.

We're always told that our happiness is our choice, and that what you can't help, you gotta let go of. And it's always, always easier said than done. Which is why I'm glad to realise that I've done it! Now it's not really a cause for celebration, or even for that exclamation mark I used, but it's improved my state of mind quite tremendously.

I was never the sort of girlfriend to insist that my boyfriend kept me updated on where he is, whom he's with and what he's doing. I normally just get the info readily volunteered to me, or I ask him what he's up to, in the way of conversation. There's never a burning need to keep in constant contact with him, be it a long distance relationship or not. BUT, recently, I went over to the dark side a little.

Just last week or the week before, the bf was really busy with his assignments and stuff. Being busy is understandable, but what I couldn't understand was the part where there wasn't enough time to talk to me for days. I'm a firm believer of the view of that in a day that consists of 1440 minutes, one cannot be too busy for a 10 minute phone call. Unless you're unavailable, which is an entirely different matter; you're stuck in an island, stuck in a hostage situation, stuck in some other movie idea, or stuck in labour. That, I'd be stupid to bitch about. Anyway yep, I was trying to feel okay about it but was failing miserably and crying; crying cos I wasn't important enough, crying at the thought of him talking and joking with ppl around him but not with me, and cos I missed him. Also, I've some existing issues with regards to us, which made it worse. Then I did that post here on tips for myself to survive a LDR (2 or 3 entries ago) and went to bed feeling a bit better. The next day, I felt even better and now, I feel pretty good.

If a person who genuinely loves me says he's too busy and tired, I have to respect that and let it be. This is the guy who's been in love with me the past few years, and will be marrying me next year. I have to be accepting of such things, otherwise I'll feel hurt, which'll hurt the relationship, which's the last thing we both need, living so far apart to begin with. We've hurt each other lots before, and have made each other feel negligible, but we're still together after managing to talk some stuff out. I'll just keep that in mind, regard this as a non-issue, and be happy with all the time I have for myself, which I'm using these days to read a good book, talk to my mom, father, sisters and friends, make a pot of tea and watch tv, play with my nephews, and blog. I let the bf contact me when he's free, so that I don't keep checking whatsapp to see if I missed the alert for his reply, and to check when he was last online so that I can try imagine what's keeping him from responding to me. That's exactly the sorta girlfriend I never wanted to be.

He's noticed the change and he didn't sound too happy about it. I told him that not initiating contact is how I cope, and he understands. I think. This is temporary anyway. Marriage'll fix this.

And now, time for that pot of tea. :)

Nikus finally uploaded pics from weeks back, when we gathered at the airport to say byebye to Loga. Been years since I did a post full of pictures, so here's one!

(This is for my future self, mainly. In case I undergo depression later and am looking for reasons to live.)

Clockwise; Raja (my brudder from anudder mudder), me, Loga (Nan's buffalo), Nikita (Nikus) and Nandita (Nan/ Nandos/ Nanio/ Little Punjabi Thing) 

Us and some of Loga's very young friends. We were all drinking by the beach a few days before, and man, I felt old.

My little punjabi and I at a friend's house on a Friday, early February. This was the night we went to Attica and kept attempting to dance but pulled off only on-the-spot vibration cos it was so, so packed. Too packed, like the trains in the mornings, as observed by my friend.

At the very start of the year, right when the fireworks stopped. Siiigh...my stupid boy.

Mandatory loo shot.

Halloween 2012! That's Linges, my 2nd brother-in-law's brother's wife's brother. *takes a deep breath* 

In the train, where we got lots and lots of stares. 

And Raja got the most stares! Surely it's obvious why.

We had a truly epic bbq about three quarters into 2012. So many things happened that night, and some ppl's lives were never the same again. Hahah sounds like nonsense I know, but it's true!Okay, time to stop. Lunch awaits.

My god, I hate how this blog looks! It looks even worse on a mobile screen.

 

See what I mean? Okay it doesn't look terrible, but it certainly does not look like something I'd pick out for myself. Trouble is, the programming that supports lots of the newer features isn't the simple html stuff that I'm accustomed to, and the codes now look like scatters of bird feed. Ah well, I'll try work on it. I feel like an old person grumbling about new developments and I think such behavioural inclinations within one's self should be discouraged.

I applied for an digital copywriting internship at a site that sells deals, and I guess I passed the writing & proof-reading tests, cos I've been asked to start mid-April. SO SEXCITED, OMG. I know it's just an internship during which I'll be paid a few bags of peanuts, and it's only gonna be short pieces on products, but this will be the absolute first time that I will be doing something that I have enjoyed since I was in primary school, professionally. I've always had writing as a hobby cos it comes naturally to me. I don't think I'm very good, tho. I used to be so much better, and I don't think even that standard could be considered very good. But I still like doing it, just like how lousy singers sing at the top of their voices. Comforting and happy-making habits.

There's a big minus point to this internship, sadly. The ppl who have interned here so far were students gaining experience, before continuing with their studies, and I'm the first intern to have had a decade's worth of working experience in totally unrelated fields, now looking for a major change in job scope. There isn't a clear progress ladder that I can have my hopes on, so all I can do is pray that the company's plans to expand go through soon enough so that I can try land a permanent job here. Can't be interning for too long, I've plans to study and a wedding to pay for.

They say that achieving what you want depends on your thoughts and mindset. Hardwork and opportunity is important, but there's also what you put out to the universe. What the universe gives back is what you want for yourself. Apparently. Laws of attraction.

Okay universe, I want to win the lottery this week. Five grand will do, just to pay off some bills and to keep me going through the internship. And I want this internship to go so well, they create a permanent position for me, expansion or not. I want to be the expansion. Also, please take away some of my arm jiggles. Thank you. :)

I've been meaning to stay clear from emotional posts, honestly. But the heart feels what it feels, sooo yeah. Sigh.

In a better mood today! Been having the runs all through last Monday to yesterday morning, and to have my ass finally free from torture feels like I've been touched by very kind fairies. And I had proper tea earlier today, milk and all. Life does not get much better than when you can afford to have good tea.

Mmm. I can't actually afford tea, in a sense. I'm flat broke. Broke in uppercasing. Am waiting to receive payment for half month's work I did in February. Yes, you read that right, I'm awaiting remuneration that's 3 weeks late. I really do join the best organisations, huh? I cannot tell you how glad I am for having left that place. Honestly, WORST WORKPLACE TO DATE, and I hope it stays that way cos I do not want an even worse experience to compete with the last one. First time I got sick due to work stress. I normally take stress well, and my colleagues usually marvel at my ability to stay calm through rage/breakdown-inducing situations. I possess an intrinsic ability to take shit, and that too, sometimes, with a small smile. But this place! Ohhhhh this place, it took all the 3, 4 & 5 tiered cakes. 

It's best described as an ill-constructed circus, where I was the mouse that's assigned to sweeping up elephant shit. An elephant took a big dump on me, decided it was a pretty fun thing to do, and made it a point to relieve itself on me every day. I then voiced out my displeasure, afterwhich I was assigned to collecting horse dung. I was quite a happy mouse, since a horse, being smaller, lets out less than an elephant does. My happiness was short-lived tho, cos that bastard of an elephant was still giving me shit showers, and there was nothing anyone could do about it, me included. So I left. That's the story. The animals don't directly represent a person, by the way. They're duties, or work burdens.

Anyway, that's over. And for the first time, my family's happy about my having quit a job. Been home a few days more than a month, cos I'm taking my time job-hunting. Sick of job-switching.

I just checked my page stats via blogger, and there was a traffic source that stood out. I got a hit from a google search on 'mid flight wank'. Someone was looking to join the mile-high club with some self-help, I see. I shall keep that notion in mind for consideration when I fly next, which'll probably be in September. Oh, mile-high wank guy/girl, if you're miraculously back here due to bad judgement, HELLO!

Urgh, must get a good job soon. Otherwise, my plans to visit the bf will have to be pushed, or worse, cancelled. Not getting 2 months' worth of pay is no joke to someone who has exactly one peanut, in the way of savings.

Only 0057hours and everybody's asleep. This is a very rare phenomenon. I guess the nap I had in the evening's keeping me up. My eyes feel so fresh! One of the few joys of being unemployed, before weeks roll by and you get more and more alarmed at the total number of days've gone without you being paid.

Wish me extraordinarily fantastic luck, pls.

Tips for self on surviving the shithole that is a long distance relationship

- develop an imaginary friend to whisper crazy things to. but if imaginary friend's like Drop Dead Fred, go to bed immediately and pray fiercely
- don't be surprised by gradual behavioural changes, on your side included
- don't feel ashamed to cry in your own presence. btr than crying in a bus
- at the same time, try not to make too much eye contact with yourself in the mirror right after a few tears cos you'll look disgusting
- don't expect to remain a priority. it's not the end of the world if you're not
- choices are naturally decisions made according to circumstances. you're not part of a great deal of your partner's circumstances anymore, so get used to it
- in fact, nothing is the same anymore, so get used to that too
- try to rmbr that you're not alone, although it feels like you are
- try to rmbr why exactly you're not alone
- keep trying to rmbr, and once you get it, write it down
- write plenty of things down. be busy
- cook, bake, run, jump, dance
- try new things, use your mind
- use your mind for everything but your relationship
- live your life
- be fine.

still longing for more.

Wah, I can actually post my location here? Everything feels so Facebook these days! I must admit that I'm a little excited about hitting the 'Publish' button to see how/where the location info shows up. In fact, I'm trying my best not to start contemplating publishing this much first.

Urrrrgh, I hear horrible singing from the hall. Thank god it's a tv show and not a tone-deaf family member.

You know, I come from a family of talented ppl. Talented in terms of performing and creative arts. My father used to sing well (he's now 72 and nature is cruel), my mom can carry tunes too, all my sisters are pretty alright themselves, and that's without any training. I don't know much about my own singing, cos I'm painfully shy, and cannot sing unless I'm sure there's noone around who can form an opinion on my crooning abilities. I was chosen for the school choir when I was in secondary one, after a voice test that I did NOT want to go through. I attempted to get out of the group, but my school's choir was pretty small, and the teacher in charge was having none of it. I did manage to quietly escape a year after, after persistently skipping practises.

The teacher (Ms Lee or something) pulled me aside and asked me if I thought the choir was a playground. I slowly nodded, not cos I was being defiant, but cos I did not catch what she said over the racket the rest of the nerds were making. Haha I remember how she went, "What?!" and repeated herself, which was when I giggled inside my head and satisfied her with a no. I stopped going altogether after the SYF judging thing. We won some prize...bronze or gold, can't remember. Have the cert somewhere. Or not. Sigh. Btr organise my shit so that I know what's where. I'm still looking for my Archie comics. But I'm always pissed off with Archie for being a fickle asswipe, so those aren't a priority I guess.

I like blogging. It takes my mind of things.

Oh hey, my 3rd sister gave birth to her 2nd boy on thursday! He's a Valentine's Day baby. While everyone calls him loverboy, player, romeo and stuff, I prefer calling him cupid cos that'd make him way more rare. We already have more sluts than we should. Also, cupid's an angel, and romeo's a dumbass. Anyway, it's safe to say that I am in love, AGAIN! He's got cheeks like whipped cream, and his neck smells like how happiness would if it were a fragrance.

Sigh.

I'm now awaiting his arrival from the hospital. My mom left 4 hours ago, leaving me a set of very specific instructions, which I carried out in a hurry without stopping to brush my teeth. 3 hours later, I'm still super excited (if I had a tail, it'd be wagging furiously), and a little irritated at how long it's taking, cos I need to make a trip down to my office to pick up a few things I need to complete before tomorrow morning. Hate having to do this, but I guess that's just how doing something you don't love is.

I want so much more quality in life. Not in clothes or gadgets or assets. I want to have all that I need, and to be away from people and organisations who need to gauge my assets to place me in categories. I don't want to fight with my boyfriend cos he's so far away and we can't cope with the distance. I want him to be my husband to be with me always, cos we want to, not cos it's time to get married to collect our keys to our HDB flat, which we have to wait ages for. I don't want to collect the keys to a flat that we're only gonna give out for rent, since we'll be overseas. I don't want to leave my family and be overseas for reasons like work. It's really not something I can bring myself to do I think, but I'll have to start gathering the strength to not cry while doing so. I hate that he has to do this for a better future for himself, and I hate that he is right, cos I hate how the world works. Economies, industries, monopolies, injected chickens, force-fed geese. Most of us aren't very different from a plate of foie gras, if you think about it.

Ah well. If you can't beat the system, stay in it. Right?

Whoooa. Back here after 8-9 months!

I just re-read my previous post, and with much dismay I reveal that I am still aching for a baby. And still feeling stupid about it.

Just this morning, I dreamt that I was pregnant and over the moon, but realised close to the due date that my tummy still didn't look bigger than a big dinner bump, and that my baby had somehow disappeared. And I knew that my baby was gone when I opened my tummy up like a drawer (the insides were clean, green-painted wood), and saw that it was empty. Then I went into a state of confusion, depression, and semi-denial. You know what was weird abt this whole thing, besides the fact that my tummy remained small and my baby went missing from my drawer tummy? I had no husband/fiance/boyfriend! Venga was nowhere in that dream, and I was all alone. Also, some guy was trying to chat me up, while I was waiting to cross a traffic light. One of the oddest dreams I've had so far. 

I wouldn't mind being able to check what's in my tummy by opening it up like a drawer, tho. And the green was a nice, pretty shade, really.

Anyway! I shld probably talk about what's happening in my life, since this is my blog and all. Let's go through this categorically.

Work

I'm with a security company which's located around the central of Singapore. The pay is just nice for now, and the working hours are pretty standard. Am doing accounts here, but will be switching over to HR starting late February 2013. I cannot be happier about this move, and am hoping to stay with this company for the next 2 years, at least. *crosses fingers and toes* 

Studies

Urgh, just urgh. I'm not done with this goddamned diploma. The reason is that I keep switching jobs, and the jobs I get require me to stay after normal working hours, resulting in my being barred from the exams or having missed enough lessons to not know what the hell is going on. Yeah, I still could have worked at it and put in real effort and completed my modules, but I just did not want to. Working full-time, studying part-time and handling your relationship at the same time is no joke. Many ppl finish their studies with a lot more on their plates, I know, but I just don't feel that my studies are a priority right now. In fact, it was a mistake, enrolling for this crappy diploma in this crappy school. I NEVER get replies to any email, unless I cc some Tom, Dick or Harry with authority. That's no excuse, ofcos. I do admit to not giving enough fucks abt this diploma to complete it. Next year, I'll buy myself a place in a course I actually have interest in. Got my eye on 3 of them right now. I still get jobs that pay alright without any certs, so I am fine as long as I finish my degree before I get married and stay in Australia a few years, which brings me to...

My stupid boy.

He's in Sydney, Leura. SO FAR AWAY. Started his degree in tourism September/October last year, and he'll be done in 2015, which is when he'll get a job there, since it'll be an easy thing to do, after having completed 2 attachments. He'll then come back, marry me, stuff me into a bag and bring me back with him to whichever part of Australia he'll be working in. I'll then try find a job there, or bake cakes all day for my own consumption and drive him mad with bills for flour, cocoa and butter. 

The move won't be permanent, ofcos. I've old parents, and cannot bring myself be away from them for too long. Unless I'm so rich, I can afford frequent travelling. That shall be Plan B, The Plan In Case of Very Good Luck. :D

LDR Madness

Being in a long-distance relationship is like arse. Really. Nothing pleasant about it. All that bullshit about the sweetness in missing someone who's so faraway and having them miss you back is bullshit. That bullshit, is bullshit. It feels too terrible for sweetness, and it feels lonely even if you have a lot of friends, and all you can do is keep yourself busy, so that you keep yourself at least at the edge of sanity. 

There's also that part where you take a smaller role in someone's daily life that feels like crap. The only plans you can make are phone or video call dates. The limit to how much you can share with your bf/gf in terms of experiences is horribly small no matter how much technology advances, and that's always gonna be misery-inducing. I know misery is quite a big word, but I saw him almost everyday for the past 3 years, and to suddenly lose the ability to do so still knocks the wind out of me. 

I really miss his face.

Wedding Bells

We're getting registered at the end of next year. Gonna be married by law to a stupid boy, yay! It's gonna be a pretty simple affair, since both of us are not very into grandeur. Probably 50 people or so in a quiet restaurant. Our temple wedding the year after will be simple too; a quick carrying out of necessary rites at the altar itself, not in a hall. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in energy that can be found in altars and statues of deities that have been worshipped at/on for years. So I wanna do this right, for reasons that sound right to me. 

I mean no offense to anyone's beliefs/ideas, but I think getting married in a hall in front of a big crowd of people, worrying if you look okay is just too much of deviation from the purpose of traditional marriage itself. It's supposed to be you and your partner, uniting with god as your witness, promising to be together always, while being drenched in good energy and vibes. At least, that's what I want, being someone who's very much in love and has sworn to stay in love till she expires. 

Sooo...yeah, I don't want to be on a stage, sweating my makeup out, asking ppl nearby if my lipstick's still on, spot ppl I don't give a damn about when I look up at the crowd/ spectators, and be obligated to feel thankful for their presence at my wedding. I want it to be just my stupid boy and me, the priest, a well-loved altar, immediate family, ppl who are very close to our hearts and are genuinely happy for us, and one professional photographer and a videographer. I won't use any foundation and I'll dress as early 1900s as possible. Just love the clean, natural, old-fashioned yet classy look. And my stupid boy will be all manly and insanely handsome in his white jippa and vaetti. 

Siiiiigh.

Oh, this doesn't mean that our knot-tying with be void of merry-making, tho. We're gonna have a beach party for extended family, friends, colleagues and stuff, with drinks (alcoholic and non) and bbq-ed food, and hopefully, a bubble machine! I really really want bubbles. Must try convince the bf that it'll be an important feature at our wedding.

OKAY! I'll stop talking about a wedding that's sadly, ages away from taking place. Actually, I think I'll stop talking altogether, for now. My father got me mee pok hours ago that's still awaiting consumption.

*waves*