So! Tmr's the big swamiji day. For those of you to whom I've not bitched about it yet, I'm going to Malaysia(again) but this time, it's due the insistence of my mom that I need mental help.
DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH.
I'm not sure what to think. She either thinks I am mad, am less than satisfactory as a proper human being, or possessed. Whatever it is, I hope it's not the last supposition, as it'd be super freaky. That shld explain my wondrous ability to snort, though. And Shamini's claim that I have lips that look like a pig's. Possessed by the spirit of a pig.
Ok, I'm talking nonsense. Hope the swami guy doesn't reveal stuff that I don't want revealed to my folks.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
I'm sorry I didn't call you guys yesterday, when I was down and all. Pls don't be offended or anything, cos I'm not the sort that feels comfy crying in front of others. It's not some ego thing...I'm just like that. I'd start getting the urge to act all happy and fine. So pls pls pls don't think I don't value you or can't find comfort in you, ok?
I love you guys, I really do. *hugs and kisses*
I love you guys, I really do. *hugs and kisses*
Saturday, June 25, 2005
I don't know what to do. My mom's killing me and I don't know what to do. She's been torturing me and I'm breaking down. She thought I was crying cos she was gonna borrow my phone. What happened to her? Is it me, or her?
I'm sorry, Sash and Sham. I said I'd come, but I cldn't. I'm not a pretty sight to behold.
There's a 21st birthday party later. I wldn't care about going if not for the fact that I'd promised the birthday boy I wld. I can go if I wanted to, it's not like my mom's holding me back today. I don't want to go. What if she calls me, and I break down, again? And my eyes are all puffy and red. What wld Jay's parents think if they saw me like that?
Nan says if I'm not going, she's not either. I hate this.
I'm all alone at home now.
My mom thought I was crying cos she's bringing my phone out with her, and so I can't meet the girls at the arranged time. Who does she think I am? What the hell does she think I am? A frikkin child? I don't cry over phones. I don't cry cos I can't see my friends. I'm not some fucking irrational weakling. What possessed her? When I cry it's always bcos of her. She always has so much to say. Talks to me like I'm dirt. Maybe I am dirt to her. A short while ago, she came to me and told me she gave birth to me, and so she obviously loves me, and I don't know how much. Nonsensical shit. Don't just say it, dammit, show it! You don't show it cos you don't really love me. I'm just one of the kids you produced. You have to know me to love me. You don't. You fucking know nuts about me. You've just got this stereotyped idea of a teenaged girl, and you're sticking that to my face. I'm sick of this. Fuck it, man. I don't care. Nothing's affecting me anymore.
I can't drink too much, my mom'll be back in an hour. So it's just orange juice and white rum, in a coffeee mug. I like the way it tastes. Maybe I shldn't have my Mars bar along with it, it's messing up the taste of my drink.
Think I'll be going to the party afterall. I'm not staying home. If I stay home, I'm gonna be so frustrated, it'll build up, and a week or two later, I'm gonna be writing the same thing. Who am I kidding? I can't 'not care' for nuts. She's my mom and she means so much to me, and I can't ignore her. We live in the same house, for heaven's sake. I can look forward to a few more years of frustration and frustrated crying until I (A)get married and get the hell out or (B)grow numb.
I don't wanna look into the mirror. I know I look like ugly shit. My eyes burn. My skull feels like it's put between two walls that are closing in on each other. Maybe I shldn't go out. But I think I will.
And I think Ill stop here. Gotta go get a refill.
I'm sorry, Sash and Sham. I said I'd come, but I cldn't. I'm not a pretty sight to behold.
There's a 21st birthday party later. I wldn't care about going if not for the fact that I'd promised the birthday boy I wld. I can go if I wanted to, it's not like my mom's holding me back today. I don't want to go. What if she calls me, and I break down, again? And my eyes are all puffy and red. What wld Jay's parents think if they saw me like that?
Nan says if I'm not going, she's not either. I hate this.
I'm all alone at home now.
My mom thought I was crying cos she's bringing my phone out with her, and so I can't meet the girls at the arranged time. Who does she think I am? What the hell does she think I am? A frikkin child? I don't cry over phones. I don't cry cos I can't see my friends. I'm not some fucking irrational weakling. What possessed her? When I cry it's always bcos of her. She always has so much to say. Talks to me like I'm dirt. Maybe I am dirt to her. A short while ago, she came to me and told me she gave birth to me, and so she obviously loves me, and I don't know how much. Nonsensical shit. Don't just say it, dammit, show it! You don't show it cos you don't really love me. I'm just one of the kids you produced. You have to know me to love me. You don't. You fucking know nuts about me. You've just got this stereotyped idea of a teenaged girl, and you're sticking that to my face. I'm sick of this. Fuck it, man. I don't care. Nothing's affecting me anymore.
I can't drink too much, my mom'll be back in an hour. So it's just orange juice and white rum, in a coffeee mug. I like the way it tastes. Maybe I shldn't have my Mars bar along with it, it's messing up the taste of my drink.
Think I'll be going to the party afterall. I'm not staying home. If I stay home, I'm gonna be so frustrated, it'll build up, and a week or two later, I'm gonna be writing the same thing. Who am I kidding? I can't 'not care' for nuts. She's my mom and she means so much to me, and I can't ignore her. We live in the same house, for heaven's sake. I can look forward to a few more years of frustration and frustrated crying until I (A)get married and get the hell out or (B)grow numb.
I don't wanna look into the mirror. I know I look like ugly shit. My eyes burn. My skull feels like it's put between two walls that are closing in on each other. Maybe I shldn't go out. But I think I will.
And I think Ill stop here. Gotta go get a refill.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
You know it's for real when
- you find it funny when he burps or farts
- you wipe the sweat off his forehead for him, without ever being asked to
- you feel unsettled if you've not seen him for a day or two (and you're someone who values personal space very much)
- a joke of his pops into your head with no warning at the weirdest times and you snort and giggle
- you want to make him happy
- when you're staring into space, you think how nice it'd be if it was him instead of space
- you love the feel of his fingers and yours twining together
- you feel the urgency to learn how to cook more dishes
- you want to sit him down and make him tea
- you want to give him a back rub
- you want to tell him about the teeniest, most unimportant things
- you know you're boring him with such bits of info, but you still do it
- you're always spouting nonsense and he doesn't mind (much)
- you hurt him sometimes but he still wants in
- you're stupid sometimes but he still wants in
- he's seen you in glasses but he still wants in
- you love the way he grins
- it's almost been a year, bt you still feel shy when you see him for the first time that day
- you want to knit him a sweater
- you want to learn how to knit a sweater
- you know you're pathetic but you can't help it cos it feels so good.
- you find it funny when he burps or farts
- you wipe the sweat off his forehead for him, without ever being asked to
- you feel unsettled if you've not seen him for a day or two (and you're someone who values personal space very much)
- a joke of his pops into your head with no warning at the weirdest times and you snort and giggle
- you want to make him happy
- when you're staring into space, you think how nice it'd be if it was him instead of space
- you love the feel of his fingers and yours twining together
- you feel the urgency to learn how to cook more dishes
- you want to sit him down and make him tea
- you want to give him a back rub
- you want to tell him about the teeniest, most unimportant things
- you know you're boring him with such bits of info, but you still do it
- you're always spouting nonsense and he doesn't mind (much)
- you hurt him sometimes but he still wants in
- you're stupid sometimes but he still wants in
- he's seen you in glasses but he still wants in
- you love the way he grins
- it's almost been a year, bt you still feel shy when you see him for the first time that day
- you want to knit him a sweater
- you want to learn how to knit a sweater
- you know you're pathetic but you can't help it cos it feels so good.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I'm going to Seremban again tmr. It's been 16 days since my aunt died, and there're gonna be some prayers and stuff.
Have I mentioned how much I hate funerals? The atmosphere is always so horrid, and terribly sombre. And the crying, I can't stand it, cos it's so painful to watch. It sorta made me unconsciously put myself in my cousins' shoes, which felt like shit. They're young, only in their 20s and early 30s, and their mom is out of the rest of their lives, just like that. Now how shitty is that? Imagine. She's gone, forever. She's never ever going to speak to you again, never going to tell you what she thinks, never going to scold you, cook for you, tell you to pick yourself up, and help you with it. It's like having your only pillar taken away and the roof is crashing down on you. And you know you're never going to love anyone the same way again.
At least, that's how I think it'd feel. Actually, I'd rather not know how it feels. But it has to happen sometime, yeah? Losing my mom is my only true fear, and has been so since young.
I rmbr one afternoon very clearly, when I was arnd 4. My mom and I were the only ones at home, and she was playing dead. I have no idea why she did it, cos she never played dead neither before, nor after the incident. Maybe she was tired and wanted to rest for a bit. Anyways, she kept at it for so long; it cld have been a full half of an hour. I thought she was playing at first, so I played along by acting all sad and grave. But when she wasn't responding to my tickles and shaking, I started considering the possibility of her having really died, and actually believed it. I went to another room, sat down, and started thinking about her being gone. Then came the waterworks and grief-stricken sobs. It was HORRIBLE. I then decided I shld call my father at work and inform him of it and was about to dial his number when my mom, realising what I was up to, woke up from the dead, and stopped me.
*rolls eyes*
I felt a curious mixture of infinite joy and shock and anger when she smiled and told me she was just joking. I rmbr crying a bit more and feeling relieved, but I didn't hug her or anything, cos I was too angry with her for doing that. Gosh, I still am. What a stupid, senseless thing to do to a child! It was my lowest moment ever and it was a joke.
*rolls eyes again*
Mmm. I'm probably psychologically scarred or something, cos I have dreams of my mom dying, at least once every few months.
Sigh...thanks alot Mom. Oh well, you're still here, and I'm going to hug and love you as much as I can, while I still can.
Have I mentioned how much I hate funerals? The atmosphere is always so horrid, and terribly sombre. And the crying, I can't stand it, cos it's so painful to watch. It sorta made me unconsciously put myself in my cousins' shoes, which felt like shit. They're young, only in their 20s and early 30s, and their mom is out of the rest of their lives, just like that. Now how shitty is that? Imagine. She's gone, forever. She's never ever going to speak to you again, never going to tell you what she thinks, never going to scold you, cook for you, tell you to pick yourself up, and help you with it. It's like having your only pillar taken away and the roof is crashing down on you. And you know you're never going to love anyone the same way again.
At least, that's how I think it'd feel. Actually, I'd rather not know how it feels. But it has to happen sometime, yeah? Losing my mom is my only true fear, and has been so since young.
I rmbr one afternoon very clearly, when I was arnd 4. My mom and I were the only ones at home, and she was playing dead. I have no idea why she did it, cos she never played dead neither before, nor after the incident. Maybe she was tired and wanted to rest for a bit. Anyways, she kept at it for so long; it cld have been a full half of an hour. I thought she was playing at first, so I played along by acting all sad and grave. But when she wasn't responding to my tickles and shaking, I started considering the possibility of her having really died, and actually believed it. I went to another room, sat down, and started thinking about her being gone. Then came the waterworks and grief-stricken sobs. It was HORRIBLE. I then decided I shld call my father at work and inform him of it and was about to dial his number when my mom, realising what I was up to, woke up from the dead, and stopped me.
*rolls eyes*
I felt a curious mixture of infinite joy and shock and anger when she smiled and told me she was just joking. I rmbr crying a bit more and feeling relieved, but I didn't hug her or anything, cos I was too angry with her for doing that. Gosh, I still am. What a stupid, senseless thing to do to a child! It was my lowest moment ever and it was a joke.
*rolls eyes again*
Mmm. I'm probably psychologically scarred or something, cos I have dreams of my mom dying, at least once every few months.
Sigh...thanks alot Mom. Oh well, you're still here, and I'm going to hug and love you as much as I can, while I still can.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Nantha smsed me this:
Hei I read this somewhere ... Thought I should share it with you... "have you seen a rat rape an elephant?" it sure as hell sounds funny to me... Ha ha ..
I started giggling, then decided to call him straightaway. He was all, "Imagine a rat raping an elephant! The rat's so small, the elephant's so HUGE! HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!" And he kept laughing, and laughing, AND laughing. Me, ofcos, was giggling madly too.
Hei I read this somewhere ... Thought I should share it with you... "have you seen a rat rape an elephant?" it sure as hell sounds funny to me... Ha ha ..
I started giggling, then decided to call him straightaway. He was all, "Imagine a rat raping an elephant! The rat's so small, the elephant's so HUGE! HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!" And he kept laughing, and laughing, AND laughing. Me, ofcos, was giggling madly too.
Friday, June 10, 2005
ColourQuiz
Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.
Your Stress Sources
Feels she cannot control the situation to create the sense of belonging she needs, and so remains unwilling to place herself unreservedly in another's hands. Is resisting a condition or a relationship which she regards as a discouraging responsibility. Feels like has far more to offer and is likely to remain impatient and irritable until she has obtained all she feels she still lacks. The urge to get away from this unsatisfactory state leads to restlessness and instability.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is burdened with more than her fair share of problems. However, she sticks to her goals and tries to overcome her difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.
Your Actual Problem #1
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.
Your Actual Problem #2
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.
On the whole, quite true, but there are lotsa inaccurate bits in each paragraph.
Mmm... *ponders*
Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.
Your Stress Sources
Feels she cannot control the situation to create the sense of belonging she needs, and so remains unwilling to place herself unreservedly in another's hands. Is resisting a condition or a relationship which she regards as a discouraging responsibility. Feels like has far more to offer and is likely to remain impatient and irritable until she has obtained all she feels she still lacks. The urge to get away from this unsatisfactory state leads to restlessness and instability.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is burdened with more than her fair share of problems. However, she sticks to her goals and tries to overcome her difficulties by being flexible and accommodating.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.
Your Actual Problem #1
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.
Your Actual Problem #2
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.
On the whole, quite true, but there are lotsa inaccurate bits in each paragraph.
Mmm... *ponders*
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
So, my mom's back! I'm sooooo happy man. Was friggin lost without her, really. This is going to be pathetic, but I actually cried some nights, cos her absence was too much for me to handle.
PATHETIC.
Anyways, since she's back, I'm the happiest girl on earth, even though she's screaming at me to go to sleep. I'm tired too, got back from Seremban this morning. *yawn*
Night babies!
P.S: I know this is a seriously pathetic post, but I never intended it to be. I've much to say! Mom's screaming though. Oh well.
PATHETIC.
Anyways, since she's back, I'm the happiest girl on earth, even though she's screaming at me to go to sleep. I'm tired too, got back from Seremban this morning. *yawn*
Night babies!
P.S: I know this is a seriously pathetic post, but I never intended it to be. I've much to say! Mom's screaming though. Oh well.
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