I'm going to Seremban again tmr. It's been 16 days since my aunt died, and there're gonna be some prayers and stuff.

Have I mentioned how much I hate funerals? The atmosphere is always so horrid, and terribly sombre. And the crying, I can't stand it, cos it's so painful to watch. It sorta made me unconsciously put myself in my cousins' shoes, which felt like shit. They're young, only in their 20s and early 30s, and their mom is out of the rest of their lives, just like that. Now how shitty is that? Imagine. She's gone, forever. She's never ever going to speak to you again, never going to tell you what she thinks, never going to scold you, cook for you, tell you to pick yourself up, and help you with it. It's like having your only pillar taken away and the roof is crashing down on you. And you know you're never going to love anyone the same way again.

At least, that's how I think it'd feel. Actually, I'd rather not know how it feels. But it has to happen sometime, yeah? Losing my mom is my only true fear, and has been so since young.

I rmbr one afternoon very clearly, when I was arnd 4. My mom and I were the only ones at home, and she was playing dead. I have no idea why she did it, cos she never played dead neither before, nor after the incident. Maybe she was tired and wanted to rest for a bit. Anyways, she kept at it for so long; it cld have been a full half of an hour. I thought she was playing at first, so I played along by acting all sad and grave. But when she wasn't responding to my tickles and shaking, I started considering the possibility of her having really died, and actually believed it. I went to another room, sat down, and started thinking about her being gone. Then came the waterworks and grief-stricken sobs. It was HORRIBLE. I then decided I shld call my father at work and inform him of it and was about to dial his number when my mom, realising what I was up to, woke up from the dead, and stopped me.

*rolls eyes*

I felt a curious mixture of infinite joy and shock and anger when she smiled and told me she was just joking. I rmbr crying a bit more and feeling relieved, but I didn't hug her or anything, cos I was too angry with her for doing that. Gosh, I still am. What a stupid, senseless thing to do to a child! It was my lowest moment ever and it was a joke.

*rolls eyes again*

Mmm. I'm probably psychologically scarred or something, cos I have dreams of my mom dying, at least once every few months.

Sigh...thanks alot Mom. Oh well, you're still here, and I'm going to hug and love you as much as I can, while I still can.