I think I hate myself.
But that's my problem. Oh well.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Guess what? He hates me! Woohoo!
How can one not hate the villain, really? I suppose your preferences do have to be very clear, especially if you're the good guy. And oh, preferences are currently extremely vivid, which makes it better to deal with, I guess; clearer boundaries, more black and white areas than grey. But is it really that simple?
How do we forget the good stuff just because it's bad now? How do you do an overwrite? Is that really what relationships are about? Can there really be no happy ending should we choose to part? Okay, I chose to part, yes, it was me. But I did us both a favour. The relationship was going places but I don't think I belonged in it. Often felt like an outsider looking in. An outsider who'd remark "What a weird match," shrug, and wander away.
It WAS beautiful though. No bed of roses, definitely. Bed of lilies (so much pollen, it'll definitely make a mess), maybe? I had a gorgeous time giving and receiving. I know I gave, cos I felt it come from my heart. That was no lie. And I definitely did receive. A bit too much maybe, considering the state of affairs now. 'Husbands' duties'. It was nice being pampered, though sometimes stifling. But I really didn't ask for it, so I suppose that's one less thing that I'm a bitch for doing.
What I'm without a doubt, a complete bitch for doing, is getting married when I did. Or, agreeing to getting married and liking the idea cos I was marrying a fantastic guy who was in love with me and whom I loved too. Sounds perfect, and it WAS perfect. Except...that little voice in your head that tells you you should brush your teeth before sleeping, that you shouldn't have any more to drink cos you're sufficiently high, and that you should have something to eat because you're probably about to faint in a bit, that voice in your head, it never fades. In fact, it gets louder as you immerse yourself in your predicament. And then it tells you, this will never do.
So now it's out. The measure of stupidity I possessed a few months ago is out on display, and I don't mind. I WAS stupid. But not anymore. I am not proud of having dealt grief to so many at once cos as hard as it is to believe, I'm not a sadistic nut. I merely want to put things right. For all of us. And we'll eventually get there, with enough time, hate and tears.
And I know I deserve to be happy too.
"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
How can one not hate the villain, really? I suppose your preferences do have to be very clear, especially if you're the good guy. And oh, preferences are currently extremely vivid, which makes it better to deal with, I guess; clearer boundaries, more black and white areas than grey. But is it really that simple?
How do we forget the good stuff just because it's bad now? How do you do an overwrite? Is that really what relationships are about? Can there really be no happy ending should we choose to part? Okay, I chose to part, yes, it was me. But I did us both a favour. The relationship was going places but I don't think I belonged in it. Often felt like an outsider looking in. An outsider who'd remark "What a weird match," shrug, and wander away.
It WAS beautiful though. No bed of roses, definitely. Bed of lilies (so much pollen, it'll definitely make a mess), maybe? I had a gorgeous time giving and receiving. I know I gave, cos I felt it come from my heart. That was no lie. And I definitely did receive. A bit too much maybe, considering the state of affairs now. 'Husbands' duties'. It was nice being pampered, though sometimes stifling. But I really didn't ask for it, so I suppose that's one less thing that I'm a bitch for doing.
What I'm without a doubt, a complete bitch for doing, is getting married when I did. Or, agreeing to getting married and liking the idea cos I was marrying a fantastic guy who was in love with me and whom I loved too. Sounds perfect, and it WAS perfect. Except...that little voice in your head that tells you you should brush your teeth before sleeping, that you shouldn't have any more to drink cos you're sufficiently high, and that you should have something to eat because you're probably about to faint in a bit, that voice in your head, it never fades. In fact, it gets louder as you immerse yourself in your predicament. And then it tells you, this will never do.
So now it's out. The measure of stupidity I possessed a few months ago is out on display, and I don't mind. I WAS stupid. But not anymore. I am not proud of having dealt grief to so many at once cos as hard as it is to believe, I'm not a sadistic nut. I merely want to put things right. For all of us. And we'll eventually get there, with enough time, hate and tears.
And I know I deserve to be happy too.
"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
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