Last night, I was out with 2 girls I've missed quite a bit; Hillbilly & SkinnyNadhen. They don't need pseudonyms (actually nobody here needs pseudonyms anymore cos omg, you can actually see a pic of my lover and me with a sunflower if you scrolled down really rapidly!) but these names are so fun to use! Anyway, it was good, sitting around and dragging guava-melon-mint-flavoured shisha and talking about many stupid things and interesting things and bitchy things(we all hate the admin manager at our old workplace. we secrectly refer to her as 'dot dot dot dot' on FB).

Do you think I shld stop using brackets? It's become an addiction.

By the way, you don't really have to read this. I'm somewhat practising documenting my honest feelings...or something like that. So if you feel like all this talk's getting really old, just stop mid-post, okay? That is, if you've not stopped by now. :)

As I was saying, we were talking. Obviously, I'm planning to introduce a certain topic over here, and that would be the ever-(un)exciting topic of my love life. The usual...shld have been single for a while before committing to Checkered. Yeah I see the logic in that. I mean...having 'belonged' to someone since the age of 15 (2yrs with ex-ex, a week later, 5yrs with ex-husband and now, Mr. C), I never seriously gave myself a break, which, by personal experience, might lead to straying...even if you love your 'partner' a whole lot. Honestly, I think the difference is in whether you treasure your relationship or don't. Or whether you're sure that he/she wants you for more than...physical and momentary pleasures.

Before I realised I should trust Checkered, there was a little bit of a grey period. It showed in my earlier blog posts; my unsureness, my trust, my unsureness again; my bouts of all things scary, relationship-wise. To tell the truth, after my initial elation that he and I have a shot at being together, I wanted to be single for a while; entirely free of any kind of commitment, be it serious or fling-like. I didn't want to do the whole 'he likes me, he likes me not' thing. Okay, I've never had to go through that, but I hear it sucks. I didn't want to stay up all night hoping I'm just a way of escape from boredom, I didn't want to feel guilty about thinking that way, didn't want to have answer to anybody, didn't want to give a damn about what I say to other men that might be misconstrued, I didn't want any such sticky shit. BUT, I fell in love. And I couldn't help but want him to want to keep me.

God. It's so funny how I never thought of such things when we were plain friends! I thought he was fantastic company...comfy to be with and full of dumb-assed things to say, shameless with mischief that's comparable to a small boy's. And a good heart. Yeah I did think we'd make a good match character&looks-wise, but that's it. Just the slightest bit of wondering, especially since he used to text me nonsense every night, while I happily texted nonsense back, and the late night phone conversations which sometimes resulted in both of us taking medical leave due to fatigue. This is where I thought he was gonna be my very first male best friend. Yeah, me and my collection of best friends, right? Haha.

Sooooo yep, it came to a point after we sort of got together where I felt that I shld make a choice; to ask for some time by myself, or to not. I actually thought I should...told myself I will, but I cldn't bring myself to. I think of his face, his smile, the way he makes me feel, the way I make him feel, how much I'd miss him. See, of all the people to leave, the guy you're mad about shldn't be one of them. By right lah. Haha. If I do it now, what guarantee will he have that I won't do it again? Oh, this leads me to the other reason that I eventually decided not to ask for a breather. My checkered-short-ed boy does not believe in gettin back with a girl who has initiated a break up with him before. Notice I didn't say he doesn't believe in getting back with exes, and that's cos he actually might give it a thought, as long as he was the separation-initiator. Everyone has their own personal set of rules or guidelines to keep their sanity/ego/etc intact, but this particular one is something I wasn't comfy imagining myself mulling miserably over, even if I had asked for some time alone, promising to be back (now, come to think of it, I cannot imagine having undergone a 'break'. sounds ridiculous). I decided to throw caution (plus a few Oreo wrappers. I miss you, Ragani) to the wind and kinda surrender myself to us, and fate, I suppose.

I really do over-display brackets (and semi-related thoughts).

You never know what's gonna be the best thing that's happened to you till you release your inhibitions, right? I know I'm not losing out on anything. :)