So the problem here is that there's a never-ending supply of crap and sarcasm and temper. Yes, I, the generally super mild-mannered product of equally mild-mannered parents, have a temper. And being typically Saggitarian, the temper surfaces when external forces (external being anyone but me, ofcos) make attempts at controlling movements/freedom/something like that or when smothered while being overprotected.

Ah, I'm starting to sound like how I did when I started this blog some 7 years ago. OMG, 7 YEARS. WTF, WHERE DID THOSE YEARS GO? Oh. Digression over. Yes, as I was saying. It's like being a teenager again, and at my 24th year of consciousness (well, mostly), it's kinda unfunny. Not to mention uncomfy. There's this feeling of vague...insignificance. Okay, I don't need anything to prove how much my existence is worth and all that shit cos I know how much I am loved and that love I give is appreciated and wanted even, and if I were to disappear there'd be many broken hearts and blah blah blah plus blah. On the other hand, I'm not considering the part where if I were entirely non-existent, noone'd give a damn cos honestly, if I weren't here, I wldn't give a damn either, and neither do I want to speculate on the fact that I'm terribly un-established for someone my age (tho I really shld...but since I'm kinda working on that, that little factor shall slide for the mo). And here's where you probably wonder wtf I'm driving at.

Beats me. I'm tryin to figure that out myself.

Actually. The feeling of insignificance I mentioned I was 'suffering' from probably comes from my...being a teenager again. In love with a boy whom my family is convinced is bad news, having phone curfews (YES, phone curfew. I didn't know what that even meant till a few months ago), being watched day and night to make sure I don't...I dunno, go get myself pregnant, maybe. I can't blame my family for being protective and apprehensive about my choices, considerin the past/present but I sure can blame them fully for being over-protective and over-apprehensive and downright stifling. I know I should be more understanding but shit lah, I can't do that. Cos the tension's here, and I can feel it in every bone sometimes, and when I do, I really don't give a damn who loves me enough to wanna keep me safe cos all I wanna do is just go away. Which is when I remember that to get lost wld be the cowardly way of dealing with family, and so, I sit down and force my tears out. Having a little cry does make you feel at least a little better, you know.

All this was my doing, to tell you the truth. My decisions aren't the smartest sometimes; that much's been made obvious to pretty much everyone who knows me now. And my family knows this the best. Haha. What they fail to realise though, is that since I fucked up a few ppl's 2009 and one person's trust and dreams and blah, I must have realised the weight my actions and decisions carry, and that hereon, will choose my paths carefully. BUT NO. I'm still the bloody thick-skinned bimbo who's got no bloody clue as to what she wants cos HEY, she's made a mistake before, so she's gonna fuck it up again, WEEEEE!

I AM a bit stupid, I know. But I'm smart enough to not self-destruct. I'm ready to be called idealistic or accused of being too quick to decide, cos I honestly believe Checkered and I will last. This feels different in a way that only I will know how. I mean, shit, I shld bloody know, considering. If Checkered and I don't end up together, I swear karma's to blame. Ah, touchwood. And bah, this isn't even really about Checkered and I. It's about ME.

Have some faith in me, dammit.

Screw it lah. No point ranting. Weird how that's coming after a big bout of word-diarrhoea. Well...not much I can do about it for now, so yeah, no use. Now it's just up to us to deal with it. And to me to show that I've grown up a little.

So wish me luck.