V. Ragani reads my blog. She drops by sometimes, gets herself updated, and moves on very very quietly. She does not tag much. That's alright, cos I love her.

I sent her an email on August 30th to ask her how she's been doing since she landed in Finland, and there's been no reply to date! The atrocity of it all is so magnificent that I find myself choking in it's... umm... magnificence!

But that's alright too. Cos I still love her. Sigh.

Maybe this's some karmaic payback. I've not replied to Sara's few-week-old email. ANYWAY, speaking of Sara, here's his very first msn convo appearance on my blog, and (hmmmm) probably any platform on the world wide net.


°· her royal freshness ·° says:
so you're bored shitless ah
no date today?!
:-o

Saravanan says:
yup so you can be my virtual date

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
HUR
I don't do cybersex, thank you

Saravanan says:
damn it
plzzzzz
jus for me
plzzzzzzzzzzzz

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
sighhhh

Saravanan says:
men are always men

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
fiiine. but we shall discuss the rates first

Saravanan says:
tats wat u are thinking right
okok nice
okok how much issit per hr?
5rp?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
RP?!
more like SGD5 per min lah

Saravanan says:
5 per min for your face is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
fuck you and get lost
HAHAH

Saravanan says:
hey u watch ur language u filthy papaya smelling asshole

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
fuck you, you sick duck-like specimen!

Saravanan says:
wtf is a duck like specimen????
u mean I look like a fucking duck omg u stupid JERK

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
that's exactly what I meant, you brinjal-sucking cow!



And we started the conversation out quite civilly, y'know. Talking to the ex gets my skin bubbling very very slightly. In a nice, pleasant, friendly way, ofcos. Does that even make sense?

Out to meet a couple of ppl. Feels good, going out after so long. I love my family very much, but constant exposure to them is maddening, even more so these days. I need to be alone sometimes. Damn, and I need to get a job soon. And I would really like to have a smoke.

Getting there! :)



'The only way to know if a man is trustworthy, is to trust him.'

Special, Dhanya's so special, she's the most special kinda girl in the wooorrld.
Special, she is so special, she's so special that he fell in love with herrr.
Cigarette buds are smelly, and her ass feels like jelly.
Special, Dhanya's so special, she's the most special kinda girl in the wooorrrrllld.

I love that stupid song.

Yet another installation. With tamil -> english translation!


°· her royal freshness ·° says:
neeya? (is that you?)

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
naana? (is this me?)

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
aamam. (yes)
the man who doesn't know how to mix milo

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
hahaha
got 3 in 1 packets nowadays wad

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
horrigible
you will nvr survive in a milo jungle

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
wtf is a milo jungle luh?
your house ah?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
ehhhh maybe.
I wldn't mind
hahah

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
haha
watcha doin?
no plans today ah?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
nope! except for staying home and helping my mom with the baby and searching for a job and whatshitnot
how abt your backside?!

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
new articles came in,
working on em
while chatting with this ass

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
waaah.
I shall ignore the ass thing

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
hahaha
sure, your royal assness

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
you're like a presshouse by yourself!
hahahha!
slap you then you know!

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
hahaha
only designing part
thou shalt not be involved with anything more

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
waaahahaha
so are you an eccentric designer?
*ponders*
well you ARE weird

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
just like euuuuu
n u know it!

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
*giggles*
yes I do-oooo!

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
treasure you........
at the bottom of my arse
lalalala

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
bloody...
Lucy, attack!


Lucy's my pinkie. In case you're wondering, she's the one on my right hand. :)

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
haha
so eppe meetings
"last min meetings, oh bz one
besides are u still studying at MDIS?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
HAHA
I stopped for a while
but resume to attempt to continue
I mean, I intend to resume
shit.. what the hell was that sentence all abt?
anyways.
yeah. haha

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
are u ok?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
I think sooo
haha
I'm fine!

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
then why are u blabbering!
all i asked was are u still studying at MDIS?
7 lines later
i still never get the answer!

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
HAHAHAHHA.
I'm gonna post this up on my blog!
ANYWAYS
I stopped unofficially, but am gonna resume!

Kathiravanology? -=[Gemini]=- says:
much better



Craving for chocolate brownies can really mess with your thought processes. I'm gonna go make some now.

Okay, it's not working. I'm trying to convince myself that everything's fine. And it's not working.

I know it's gonna be alright soon, but why's there so much shit to go thru for it? Just when I thought it's gonna be alright, and I'm finally going good, I get a huge, stinky pile of crap hit me in the ass. Which makes me look like I crapped in my pants and y'know what, maybe I did just that. What happened to things being smooth-sailing? Well they weren't exactly smooth to begin with, but my problems were in my mind and only there, and I thought they'd die there. And now I've learnt that it doesn't work that way cos a problem is a problem as long as it's there; doesn't matter where.

WHY ISN'T ANYTHING SIMPLE ANYMORE?

So down on luck. Shld stay clear from busy roads and come home earlier and eat only at home and bathe as many times as possible. I'm not making much sense and that doesn't surprise me.

Maybe it'd be easier if I were butt-ugly. I wldnt have asked for much effort during creation; below average looks wld have done fine. But I'm pretty and I know it. You're reading this, and I shld show some consideration for your sensibilities but really, I don't care. I'm good looking, and sometimes, especially when you initiate the break up of your marriage, that sucks. When are ppl gonna fully learn that looks don't matter? You don't know my heart. Beauty is only skin-deep. The body is just that; a body. And nothing else. It cannot be anything else cos it doesn't have the capability to. What matters and cares for you is the mind, and the heart, and it doesn't matter if it belongs to King Kong or Will Smith.

Unless you just wanna do a wham-bam-thank you ma'am. Then you'll look for Will Smith. Or me.

It's soooo clear. I heard somewhere that confusion is the state of mind that's followed by clarity, and I cannot agree more.

I love life. :)

Who did it?

In all honesty, I'm not devastated, not elated, but just quite okay. And I quite like that. Cos there's comfort in 'emo-ing', as ppl now are so fond of saying. Hope I don't miss it when I find a reason to stop. Ha!

Oh. I have been keeping myself SO BUSY. Meeting almost everyone, and going out with the family for dinners and such. And I'm completely looking forward to working shifts at the coffeehouse. Maybe I shld get on a healthier diet; one that wld provide more strength to get thru the day. Hate those spots that magically appear in my vision whenever I get up from a sitting/squatting position. Time to listen to the mother! Sigh.

It's getting old, talking about myself. So full of 'I's and 'me's and 'am's. Maybe I shld try getting interested in celeb gossip and *clears throat importantly* current affairs.

Okay, I didn't think so either.

I love my mommy.

I think I'm getting a little addicted to doing ladies' nights. Can you blame me tho? Free entry, free booze, free absolutely everything except for food (we're drinking. food for what?!) and the cab ride home. In my case, I'm normally too broke/cheap to grab a taxi, so I'll get the last train home. Or, hitch a ride from some kind soul.

Two wednesdays back, I got shit-smashed and ended up piggy-backing on some guy I just met. And I puked on my friend's heels, which she had to dispose of. How embarrassing. Maybe I'll stick to vodka.

Need to get black pants for work! Monday monday monday!

Ragani, are you reading this? If you are, call me you skinny-arsed punk!

Say helloooo to the new barista! *claps for self*

Am done with that boring-assed job at the campsite. Monday onwards, I'll be a barista in the city area, but I cannot tell you which coffeehouse I'll be working at, in case you're a stalker-wannabe who's looking for a victim. HUR.

This is me taking a step towards realising my dream (which I can't tell you about either, in case I jinx it. teehee), and I am so ready for it, and that's mainly cos I am so damned excited! It's quite sucky that the pay is low, but ah heck, I just got to cut back on the impulse Louis Vitton and Versace purchases. *rolls eyes* Besides, I really want to experience working in a cafe, so here's the chance.

YAY!

Oh, Nazz will probably be working just a few shops down! Smoke breaks together!! JOY!!

Dammit, she's linked, and you can get clues from her blog. Darn. And I probably shouldn't even have mentioned Nazz, but ah well. Stalker's luck seldom gets better than this.

It's Tuesday. Half-priced waffles and girly talk beckons seductively. Got to leave in an hour, so toodles, and have a marvy week! :)

P.S: I appreciate the tags you guys leave. Really do. Thanks for caring, sweeties. :)

As much as the blame is mine, I will cry. As I love, and lose.

So, I can't stop tearing. This sorrow that I feel is only a little bearable. It isn't mine alone, obviously. But the pain I know, that's all mine. It's sort of filling up that bit of space in me that I've chosen to have vacated.

What's wrong with this girl? I know what's wrong. She's quite mad.

She took on more than she can handle cos she didn't think she'd have to be entirely ready for it. She thought all that mattered was that everyone else was. And that that's how it normally goes. She was so wrong. She wanted to be responsible, clear and marry the best guy she knew, and be a good wife. She kept it all inside, and got herself and everyone else in the picture screwed. And she is so sorry now. So very sorry. Sorry for the monumental fuck-up she created. And for all the hurt she's caused.

But sorry's no cure. Only moving on would work.

She'll move on, as he will too. She has to, she asked for it. She'll move on knowing that she might, or might not, have made the biggest mistake of her life, and that there is really no going back. There is no going back.

There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back. There is no going back.

There is no going back.

I know I've lost something good. There's a good possiblity that I've made a mistake. But I'll have to take the risk.

I'm dumb/smart that way.

So overwhelming.

At the rate things are going, I think I'm gonna have to chase guys away with a big, fat stick. Really. HELLO, I'm about to go thru a divorce. In what way do you think I'll be ready to... say... screw you? FUCK OFF LAH.

You're all wolves. Wolves.

It's all a wee bit interesting tho. Haha.

People can be so strange. I say, YAY!


°· her royal freshness ·° says:
okay!
I think I need to pee
brb!

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
need help?

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
can manage I think

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
u sure

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
think there shldn't be any cock up lah
literally
so yeah..shld be fine

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
okie dokie

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
back!

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
how was i
it*
everything went well
are u okay

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
it was absolutely gorgeous

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

°· her royal freshness ·° says:
and we're all healthy, so it's good
wahahahhaha

rAjIv - a new lease in life says:
okaaaay



On a totally unrelated note, cold Kinder Buenos and del monte bananas make wonderful night snacks.

I think I hate myself.

But that's my problem. Oh well.

Hello freedom.

Fuck everything else. I love you. Stay strong, old friend. You'll be mine one day.

Guess what? He hates me! Woohoo!

How can one not hate the villain, really? I suppose your preferences do have to be very clear, especially if you're the good guy. And oh, preferences are currently extremely vivid, which makes it better to deal with, I guess; clearer boundaries, more black and white areas than grey. But is it really that simple?

How do we forget the good stuff just because it's bad now? How do you do an overwrite? Is that really what relationships are about? Can there really be no happy ending should we choose to part? Okay, I chose to part, yes, it was me. But I did us both a favour. The relationship was going places but I don't think I belonged in it. Often felt like an outsider looking in. An outsider who'd remark "What a weird match," shrug, and wander away.

It WAS beautiful though. No bed of roses, definitely. Bed of lilies (so much pollen, it'll definitely make a mess), maybe? I had a gorgeous time giving and receiving. I know I gave, cos I felt it come from my heart. That was no lie. And I definitely did receive. A bit too much maybe, considering the state of affairs now. 'Husbands' duties'. It was nice being pampered, though sometimes stifling. But I really didn't ask for it, so I suppose that's one less thing that I'm a bitch for doing.

What I'm without a doubt, a complete bitch for doing, is getting married when I did. Or, agreeing to getting married and liking the idea cos I was marrying a fantastic guy who was in love with me and whom I loved too. Sounds perfect, and it WAS perfect. Except...that little voice in your head that tells you you should brush your teeth before sleeping, that you shouldn't have any more to drink cos you're sufficiently high, and that you should have something to eat because you're probably about to faint in a bit, that voice in your head, it never fades. In fact, it gets louder as you immerse yourself in your predicament. And then it tells you, this will never do.

So now it's out. The measure of stupidity I possessed a few months ago is out on display, and I don't mind. I WAS stupid. But not anymore. I am not proud of having dealt grief to so many at once cos as hard as it is to believe, I'm not a sadistic nut. I merely want to put things right. For all of us. And we'll eventually get there, with enough time, hate and tears.

And I know I deserve to be happy too.

"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”

I miss everybody. I miss every single one of you.

I miss my twinnie, I miss Ragani, I miss all of my favourite people.

I do miss you, Jay. I know we're not the best of friends now, but I miss you all the same.