Turns out I was being stupid. :) Okay, wait no, misled. That works better in my favour.

Cream crackers and milo make such an addictive combination. I actually feel like having crackers and milo instead of working. And at lunch time, I wanna have crackers and milo again. Ooo, and at tea time! Maybe dinner too. I don't have the habit of having supper, so I'll give it a rest. Or maybe not.

Feel like I am not enough. Like I am made of unfulfilled needs.

I wish I could say that I knew I'm being stupid.

gonna make tom yam soup tonight! is it normal to have pumpkin chunks in it? i'm hoping the sweetness of the pumpkin will go well with chilli padi and the sourness of assam. let's see! will post the recipe here if it's any good.

my F of IT assignment is due wednesday, and the assignment questions and module notes are still packed away in some box that's buried under many of it's other boxy friends. sigh.

btr get cracking. it's gonna be a long night (bought extra strong chinese tea that calls itself the best in the world) and I have soup to make.

happy saturday! :)

So my crazy old oven got fixed. Now it's my good old oven, and I figured a good way to celebrate it would be to experiment with some flavours I've never put together before. And I got this;



Vanilla cake, orange jam filling and lightly spiced icing. I just sent a friend the recipe, and decided I might as well post it here too.

THE CAKE.

You need 250grams each of
- self-raising flour
- castor sugar
- unsalted butter (I used Buttercup)

and

- 200ml buttermilk (I don't purchase actual buttermilk, just a tablespoon of vinegar mixed with 200ml milk is gd enough)
- 3 eggs, yolks and whites separate. whites beaten till fluffy
- 20ml vanilla essence, or more if you like
- 0.25 teaspoon baking powder

Baked for an hour at 130 degrees celcius in a convection oven.

After it cooled for about an hour, I cut it horizontally in preparation for...


THE JAM.

Okay I kinda lost the exact amounts of all that I used, but what I did was

1) grate 3 oranges, kept the rind aside
2) cut up the orange flesh, making sure to remove any white parts cos I didn't want any bitterness today
3) got the flesh to simmer in a saucepan with
- about a cup of brown sugar
- water
- 2 cinnamon sticks
- previously grated orange rind

It became a gooey mess, which I threw into a grinder so as to get it more...spreadable, less chunky. I am very sure this is not the proper way to do it, but I didn't plan to keep the jam for long, so it's fine lah.


THE ICING.

- icing sugar (use as much as you need till you get the consistency you want)
- 50 ml of milk steamed in cardamom seeds (not whole pods)

You might find the icing weird cos it's got cardamom and might taste like some indian sweetmeat while you're making it, but when it's spread thinly over a cake, it hardens to taste pretty good, though it really depends on your preferences. Some ppl don't fancy cardamom. Also, I didn't wanna use butter cream or fresh cream for icing cos I was afraid it'd make the cake too...heavy. But you nvr know. Might be good.

Yep, don't think I've left anything out. If you're gonna bake it, enjoy! I sure did. Had Coldplay on loop, and it was raining. Bliss. I should go back to regular baking.

Off to bed! Is it really Monday already? :-/

It's been a month and a half, hasn't it?

Been so busy with work and classes. I work 6 full days a week, and am not sure how I am going to cope when the time for project submission and exam prep comes around, especially since I will probably have to be shifting to a new flat around the same time. Ah, but new environments are good sometimes, yes? Oh, I will be living much nearer to the train station! Will be an awfully short walk home, but less $$ spent on transport translates to more $$ to purchase olives. Which is nothing, if not a good thing. :-D

I never thought I would be the sort who posted emotional(negatively so) entries everytime she blogged, but it seems like I am going that direction. I have people to talk to, but I'd be much more comfortable releasing it to noone in particular cos at times...people can be narcissistic enough to think that my feeling depressed is their fault, and that if they took it upon themselves to change matters, I would be happy again. If it were that simple, really, you'd be seeing me doing cartwheels everyday.

Maybe it's hormonal. I dunno. It's been around a while. Whenever I get some time alone, I tear up a bit, and feel like rushing home just to cry. My jaws would ache, and I'd be wiping away tears that would be dangerously wobbling at my eyes, threatening to form proper drops and flow out. To a passerby, I'd look like I'm wiping the smudges of my kohl liner off, or so I hope.

It's almost like how it was when my marriage failed, except, my appetite isn't as bad as it was then, and I am generally not having as hard a time. You know what sucks? Supremely? I really, really, don't know why I am going through this now.

1) My love life is fine. I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and we don't fight much these days. We have a future.

2) I have a family that I wouldn't trade anything for. Yeah my mom and I fight alot, but that's just how it is.

3) I have a job. It's stressful but manageable, pays enough for this point of time in my life, and I actually enjoy it.

4) My studies are going alright. I have not been getting fantastic grades, but I pass, due to last minute studying, usually starting the day before, or of, the exam. Examinations in the afternoon are fantastic in that sense. :)


So...yeah. Such a puzzle.

Bits of leftover guilt, maybe?

I don't know.

I just somehow feel very mildly depressed, but a little numb at the same time; waves of feelings of insignificance, anger and frustration, all while having this weird notion in my head that the present doesn't matter, let alone the future.

I am not the saddest person on earth, but I have been making a conscious effort to be happy. Wish me luck.

I feel like talking to an old friend about nothing in particular. Maybe wonder about dream interpretations and the curious shapes clouds take. If there was a cloud that looked like a duck, maybe we'd quack and giggle.

I don't know if I have a friend who'd quack with me with no prompting, tho. And I'd have to strain my eyes very hard to see cloud shapes, as it is past midnight now, and my eyes are struggling to read what I am typing, as it is. It's either fatigue, or the need for a new pair of specs.

So here I am, old friend. Blogging. :)

There might be something fundamentally wrong with me to feel trapped this easily. Something in the way I was brought up, something in a book I read as a child that left a strong message or some painting that scared me into non-submission. OR, there's nothing actually wrong with me, and I belong to a large group of ppl who think alike.

Alright, I do know I belong to that large group of ppl who think alike. But y'know...that doesn't help one bit. There might as well be something wrong with me.

It feels like I am alone. Perhaps that's the perfect truth.

If I disappeared, where would I exist?

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I hate telcos. I really really do.

WHY DO I HAVE TO CAMP BY THE PHONE JUST TO BLOODY REACH THEM?

Bah.

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Back to job-hunting! Wish me luck, pls.

I absolutely detest being locked out of my home. I will need two pairs of hands to count the number of times I have returned home, full of fatigue and longing for a drink and sleep, just to find that there is noone home to let me in.

Grr.

Anyway, my wireless network is helping keep extreme exasperation at bay, for the mo. I named my network Coconut! Connect to Coconut.

I am seriously considering a job switch. My job scope has changed to something that isnt comfy for me. I will miss that place and it's ppl. My boss is one of the best ones around, I can say that for sure. Too bad I cant find any motivation at all to stay on and perform, due to the changes in expectations.

Where the heck is my sister?! She shld have been here with the house keys bloody yonks ago.

Sigh.

Stop whining, Dhanya.

Okay the house is accessible. Finally.

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Night night everyone. :)

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Dealing with family is no joke. But I refuse for us to settle for agreeing to disagree.

*rolls up sleeves*

Done!

Really simple, huh? Never had a skin this uncomplicated, and it feels quite good, truth be told. I apologise for the visitor-tracking tools that are plain in sight, to your right. Can't help it, I am generally perversely curious about matters that don't matter and am kinda used to having those things around. Help me keep tabs on how many times Ragani secretly visits my blog and creeps out to consume her Finnish fishy dinner.

Oh shit. She's back and I've not called her yet! *slaps self 23 times*

Wow, it's been about 3 weeks, hasn't it?

Baked a cake on tuesday, and it got burnt RIGHT THROUGH! I stuck a knife into the middle, picked it up and sighed. A big biscuit. Vanilla biscotti. Mmm.

All it took was 30 minutes, in 70 degrees celsius, in a crazy old oven. I think my oven has finally reached the stage of dementia. Such a pity, since I took effort to make sure the batter was fluffy enough to come out spongey and nice, to go well with the spicy orange jam I made. And I wanted to use up the cream cheese that was leftover from that childish(ly adorable) red velvet cake thing I made some time back. Ah well. I crushed part of the big fat accidental biscuit with cream crackers and made a cheese cake base, topped it cream cheese, with the jam in between, did a childish(ly adorable)-looking green leaf on it and poked in a shiny cinnamon stick and packed it up for my stupid boy.

Note to self: get more cream cheese for the leftover accidental biscuit. And ofcos, for the down payment for a ticket to forever fatland.

I am changing my blogskin tonight! Just to facilitate reading on your android, my sweet Azzy. :-D

Testing!

I baked, again!

I personally thought the recipe was weird, and I am yet to taste it, but that's not just cos I'm scared it might taste evil, but cos it looks so damn cute!

(to me.)



Pre-icing! That's supposed to be red velvet cake.





That's cream cheese and butter and sugar. Heaven, I tell you. Think I had lunch while icing. :-s

I'll try the cake, and will tell you how it is. If it's any good, I'll post the recipe here. Actually, even if it isn't, I'll post it up just so you know what not to do.



It's nice having flowers in wine bottles.

Why does today feel like a friday? Maybe it's cos I got paid. Mmm.

Need to go off to see the bf now, tho I feel like blogging a bit. Be back tmr!

Moscato and cadbury's roast almond. A family bar, no less.

Yeah I thought I was joking earlier about studying with wine, too! Didn't actually think it might work. I was fully expecting to have a wandering mind that cldn't care less about business in the corporate/selling sense. Oh shit. Is that where I am now? How did I get here from my assignment focus? Sigh.

ONLY 2 GLASSES SO FAR and I'm a wee widdle woozy. Must be my recent lack of partying. I hear all my indian granddaddies spitting at me from their powdery graves. Omg maybe they were in some of the water I drank a while ago. Or maybe 23190831290 days back. Since they all got turned to ashes and might have gotten sprinkled over some river or sea or some water body, and water travels through condensation and evaporation. I drank my deceased relatives, wow. Maybe you did. And you peed them out.

They'd curse me if they knew my blog add, for sure.

I'm not sure I like having a busy schedule. Pros and cons. It's nice feeling important. It's also nice to feel negligible sometimes, just so I can remind myself that the big picture is so damn big that I don't have enough eyes to see the whole of it, let alone affect it. Sometimes, only sometimes.

Why the hell is that dumbassed vein throbbing so furiously behind my ear? Throbbing in the midst of hair. Today makes it 3 days of violent pulsating. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY. Irritating length of...vital vein.

I wanted to be an actress when I was much younger. You had to be pretty to be an actress, that's what I thought. Which little girl wldn't want to be pretty? I then wanted to be a model, and maybe take part in pageants. You know, stuff you gotta work in many ways at. I quietly thank my mother for my shyness, and myself for the general laziness and boringness I possess, tho. Cos more than alot of things, I HATE being judged. Being tested is different. Being judged is worse, of the two.

I'd also hate to be well-known, even slightly. Don't have many dirty secrets, but for the ones I do have, I wldn't wanna need to keep an answer ready to feed the public in the hope that they'd form an opinion in my favour. I pity celebrities, I really do. Even the non-celeb celebrities here in Singapore. The shit that goes on about them...with supposed proof from a supposedly trusted source. Who cares how many guys she blew? She's married now, let's just hope they're leading rich lives.

Have to warn you, major generalisation ahead.

If your sister slept around alot, would you snigger and pass on her number? So what anyway? Are the good girls supposed to behave while guys they might marry go around being considered good cos they're taking care to screw only 'bad' girls? Bah, hate that way of thought.

'She's a whore, that's okay.'

'Nah she's such a good girl! Don't do anything to her.'

Bullshit. A girl is a girl. Her experiences made her whatever way she is. She probably didn't plan to be a slut. If you can't respect her, just don't do her. I think it cheapens the whole idea of sex and that it shld be had when there's mutual respect at least. Casual sex or otherwise, respect shld be considered a must-have. What do you think? I can't imagine copulating with someone who recognises me as just another free ho/number to call during dry spells, and not a person with preferences, ideals, thought processes, a heart, and most importantly, value. Somebody's sister, daughter, friend, mother or wife even. I'm not saying don't screw them; develop at least a little respect for them as individuals, then screw them. That way you set standards for yourself too, which can only be helpful. Unless you're damn hideous.

Anyway, the market for 'bad' girls only survive on demand. Noone can force you to jump on an ass. This means, by some complicated calculation that I can't be bothered to come up with right now, you probably have (unknowingly or otherwise) contributed to at least 0.5 a good girl going 'bad'. Even if you're damn hideous.

Dammit, I think I'll have one daughter, at least (my parents have 4). Got to teach her/them self-respect, impart wisdom, and the like. Wisdom, from me. HA. I don't even have wisdom teeth.

Now where was I?

I'm physically not the most beautiful woman in the world. Neither am I the smartest, nor the sweetest. And I wouldn't change a thing even if I could for free.

I know I'm the best thing that'll ever happen to you, while you're my best thing too.

:)

Ooo it's already been a week since I was last here! At this rate, the year will end in what will seem only like 3 months.

I was enjoying a drink at coffeebean & tealeaf, forum shopping mall yesterday evening. Alone. Does anyone else think this isn't odd? I had a mudpie with me, if you can call it that. I've had chocolate cake which had more moisture and cocoa in it. My iced moroccan mint tea latte was very good tho! I've missed that drink.

Alright, back to my assignment on motivation. HA! How ironic.