Back. Right. As I was saying, I found out Checkered Shorts's really into me. Which made me realise that staying married is not an option, especially since I married for the wrong reasons. But let's not go into that now cos it's a much-discussed-and-therefore-bloodyfrustrating-topic. Checkered's interest didn't break my marriage; it just acted as a catalyst; A catalyst, not THE catalyst. It irritates me terribly when ppl just don't understand that I didn't plain leave one guy for another. It's not that easy/simple. Ah. Where is this going? I shall come back to the story.

SO. I had trust issues. I found it hard to believe that someone who claims to have fallen in love with me while knowing fully well that I was engaged/married/super unavailable could be telling the truth. I don't think I have to explain what my concerns were and why; they must be obvious. My family had the same concerns (and a few extra cos they believe Checkered broke my marriage aaaand listen to this, they 'found out' he's done some black magic on me but that's a different @&@!#^ matter altogether) and in a nutshell, they quite hate him.

I, on the other hand, have decided to follow my heart and guts for once, and trust him.

This is why. Earlier this week, my brother-in-law (who had a not-so-friendly little chat with Checkered, and has very recently decided to become my good friend/advisor/and now semi-disciplinarian since my dad, tho I love him very much the way he is, is as passive as passive can be) told me that if Checkered doesn't stop seeing me, he'll either have him beaten up (uh huh, you read that right), or have his parents notified that he's getting upclose and personal with a married woman, and the former threat will result in his parents finding out anyway. That's a bit of a no-no for the mo cos Checkered feels the need to prove himself trustworthy to his folks first by establishing himself a little before letting them know he wants to be with a girl who was once married. Or something like that. I know it might sound bullshittish to some cos if a guy really loves a girl, there's nothing else that matters, right? Not exactly. Especially if the girl's say... married.

Anyways. I realise I've not yet revealed the reason I've grown to trust him. The reason is, he's not running away. My family might just decide to take matters into their hands anytime and let his family know, but he still wants in.

Somehow, within all the mess, I manage to find this quite perfect. For the moment, this is just really really perfect. For the first time in my life (love-wise), I'm following my heart and guts and not my mind. I'm listening to that little voice in my head that told me that Jay and I won't last. It's the same voice that I mentioned in one of my earlier posts which tells me to brush my teeth before I go to sleep and to stop drinking when I get too tipsy. Haha. Sounds a little stupid, I know. But I know it's not.

I love looking at his face. Love just watching him. Love it when he smiles for me. It feels so comfy and safe with him and I wanna sniff at him for hours and kiss his dimples. And now that I know I can trust him, I know that he's mine and he wants it that way. And I'm now ready to be his. Weird how it can feel so natural. We still do have moments where we can't help but go 'oh my god. it's us!' and 'shit, you and me?!' and the ocassional more simple 'wow. =)'. Many people, including you now, know about us, except for the families, which is unfortunate... but it's just how it has to be right now. They're not ready for us, and I don't mind waiting.

But if this doesn't work out, I will never listen to that little voice in my head again.

By the way, I still can't remember what that secret that I promised you guys was. I know it was some stupid little thing I thought up of when I was bored. Maybe it's best left forgotten. HAHA.