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Sunday, August 28, 2011
It's been a month and a half, hasn't it?
Been so busy with work and classes. I work 6 full days a week, and am not sure how I am going to cope when the time for project submission and exam prep comes around, especially since I will probably have to be shifting to a new flat around the same time. Ah, but new environments are good sometimes, yes? Oh, I will be living much nearer to the train station! Will be an awfully short walk home, but less $$ spent on transport translates to more $$ to purchase olives. Which is nothing, if not a good thing. :-D
I never thought I would be the sort who posted emotional(negatively so) entries everytime she blogged, but it seems like I am going that direction. I have people to talk to, but I'd be much more comfortable releasing it to noone in particular cos at times...people can be narcissistic enough to think that my feeling depressed is their fault, and that if they took it upon themselves to change matters, I would be happy again. If it were that simple, really, you'd be seeing me doing cartwheels everyday.
Maybe it's hormonal. I dunno. It's been around a while. Whenever I get some time alone, I tear up a bit, and feel like rushing home just to cry. My jaws would ache, and I'd be wiping away tears that would be dangerously wobbling at my eyes, threatening to form proper drops and flow out. To a passerby, I'd look like I'm wiping the smudges of my kohl liner off, or so I hope.
It's almost like how it was when my marriage failed, except, my appetite isn't as bad as it was then, and I am generally not having as hard a time. You know what sucks? Supremely? I really, really, don't know why I am going through this now.
1) My love life is fine. I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and we don't fight much these days. We have a future.
2) I have a family that I wouldn't trade anything for. Yeah my mom and I fight alot, but that's just how it is.
3) I have a job. It's stressful but manageable, pays enough for this point of time in my life, and I actually enjoy it.
4) My studies are going alright. I have not been getting fantastic grades, but I pass, due to last minute studying, usually starting the day before, or of, the exam. Examinations in the afternoon are fantastic in that sense. :)
So...yeah. Such a puzzle.
Bits of leftover guilt, maybe?
I don't know.
I just somehow feel very mildly depressed, but a little numb at the same time; waves of feelings of insignificance, anger and frustration, all while having this weird notion in my head that the present doesn't matter, let alone the future.
I am not the saddest person on earth, but I have been making a conscious effort to be happy. Wish me luck.
posted at 11:19 AM (link/comment)
It's been a month and a half, hasn't it?
Been so busy with work and classes. I work 6 full days a week, and am not sure how I am going to cope when the time for project submission and exam prep comes around, especially since I will probably have to be shifting to a new flat around the same time. Ah, but new environments are good sometimes, yes? Oh, I will be living much nearer to the train station! Will be an awfully short walk home, but less $$ spent on transport translates to more $$ to purchase olives. Which is nothing, if not a good thing. :-D
I never thought I would be the sort who posted emotional(negatively so) entries everytime she blogged, but it seems like I am going that direction. I have people to talk to, but I'd be much more comfortable releasing it to noone in particular cos at times...people can be narcissistic enough to think that my feeling depressed is their fault, and that if they took it upon themselves to change matters, I would be happy again. If it were that simple, really, you'd be seeing me doing cartwheels everyday.
Maybe it's hormonal. I dunno. It's been around a while. Whenever I get some time alone, I tear up a bit, and feel like rushing home just to cry. My jaws would ache, and I'd be wiping away tears that would be dangerously wobbling at my eyes, threatening to form proper drops and flow out. To a passerby, I'd look like I'm wiping the smudges of my kohl liner off, or so I hope.
It's almost like how it was when my marriage failed, except, my appetite isn't as bad as it was then, and I am generally not having as hard a time. You know what sucks? Supremely? I really, really, don't know why I am going through this now.
1) My love life is fine. I love my boyfriend, he loves me, and we don't fight much these days. We have a future.
2) I have a family that I wouldn't trade anything for. Yeah my mom and I fight alot, but that's just how it is.
3) I have a job. It's stressful but manageable, pays enough for this point of time in my life, and I actually enjoy it.
4) My studies are going alright. I have not been getting fantastic grades, but I pass, due to last minute studying, usually starting the day before, or of, the exam. Examinations in the afternoon are fantastic in that sense. :)
So...yeah. Such a puzzle.
Bits of leftover guilt, maybe?
I don't know.
I just somehow feel very mildly depressed, but a little numb at the same time; waves of feelings of insignificance, anger and frustration, all while having this weird notion in my head that the present doesn't matter, let alone the future.
I am not the saddest person on earth, but I have been making a conscious effort to be happy. Wish me luck.
posted at 11:19 AM (link/comment)
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